On This Day In History: St. Nicholas Punches Arius For Claiming ‘Die Hard’ Is Not A Christmas Movie
Church·Dec 14, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
WORLD — On this very day nearly 17 centuries ago, St. Nicholas made history by punching the heretic Arius for claiming that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
While church historians through the ages once believed that St. Nicholas’ swift uppercut was in response to Arius’ views on Christology, later scholarship confirmed that it was actually because Arius persisted in heretical attacks on Die Hard.
“Even saints have their limits,” said Benjamin Hundre, an archaeologist and early Christianity scholar at Cambridge. “Arius just kept up his stupid little bit about how Die Hard was released in July, and how just because it was set at Christmas doesn’t make it actually a Christmas movie, and how it’s really more of an Advent story anyway… and ol’ Saint Nicholas up and walloped him on the schnozz. A well-deserved bashing, I must say.”
St. Nicholas’ action has since been celebrated by the Christian Church with a feast day, special commemorative prayer services, and by punching other Aryan heretics who don’t believe that Die Hard is a real Christmas movie.
At publishing time, the Church had announced that it was also permissible to punch people for saying that Christmas Vacation doesn’t hold up.
LATE BREAKING NEWS FROM DA NORTH POLE!
Santa say’s ‘YES!, DIE HARD 2 IS a Christmas Movie! also. Anyone who doesn’t BELIEVE will get a lump of coal in their stocking!’
although an ‘Elf’ in Logistics’ quickly informed the REAL ‘Big Guy’ that a Lump of Coal could send a parents kid to College @ today’s wacky prices! We are advised that maybe a break from that tradition will be had as Santa is now considering exchanging Coal for ‘Stocks’ in the Pudding Pants Official Presidential library!’ It was said to be overheard saying ‘THAT SHOULD KEEP DA KIDZ ON DA STRAIGHT AND NARROW HUH?’
(Santa often sounds like he’s from Brooklyn when tough decisions are to be had).
EVEN LATER BREAKING NEWS!: Congress is said to be mulling over the ‘down grading’ of Biden’s 'Presidential library to a ‘BOOK MOBILE!’ (That also sells, Ice Cream!) Maybe even a Lemonade stand? because he left a sour taste in the Country’s mouth! 
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night! Stay Strapped or get clapped Gunner’s–Santa 
