What is the first question that should come to mind, aside from “can you show me your ID” should you ask if someone comes knocking on your front door claiming to be from the Unites States government and would like to ask you a few questions?
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Not a question, but I’m certainly not going to invite them in. Anything they want to ask can be done on the porch. Then, depending upon the questions, I may be asking them to leave my property unless they have a warrant of some sort. Then an immediate call to my attorney.
Questions about the census? Sure, let’s chat.
Where was I {fill in the blank}? Have a nice day. Here’s my attorney’s number.
Do I own {fill in the blank}? Have a nice day. Here’s my attorney’s number.
I think everyone in this community gets the idea I’m trying to convey.
(Edit: the underscores I used changed the formatting, so I switched them out for {fill in the blank}.
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Your trespassing on private property, go back to the main road as this entire road is private property.
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Can you hear me ok from the other side of this door that I will not be opening? Good, because did I mention I will not be opening this door? Now how can I help you?
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If you ask should I call my lawyer,and they say no.Call your lawyer NOW!!!.
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“The 9 most terrifying words in the English language. I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”
Ronald Regan
My answer is a, it depends. Did they role up in a Humvee, carrying weapons? Are they wearing jeans, shirts and FEMA hats? Or, black SUV, and suits?
I have no problem, with the gov doing wellness checks. I have no problem, giving them directions to an open restaurant for lunch. I have a problem, if martial law is declared, and they “need” me to hand over my property. I should say, they have a problem. All the guns, I supposedly bought, went down with the boat.
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Context is everything, @45IPAC! Great point.
And lack of context helps us prepare for a variety of situations, thanks @Mark200!
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I am from the US Government…
I am from the Cable Company…
I am from the Water Utilities Company…
I am Santa…
The question to ask is whether this crook’s accomplice getting ready to push in the door, or is breaking in through the back window now. Classic!
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In general when someone I don’t know knocks on the door I ignore them, generally they go away. If they are insistent or I decide to “answer the door” I generally pop out from the side yard with a “Can I help you folks?” In general there is at least one car between them and me and it really takes them off their game because now they have to approach me and I just cleared the back yard. I’ve done this more than a few times and 3/4 of them want to talk about God. 
The rest were people pissed off at my kids for something 
Cheers,
Craig6
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My first thing would be a statement not a question. It would be “I don’t think it’s a wise idea for you to go in there if I was you. See that 140 lbs of muscle and teeth that you pissed off by just knocking on the door? It won’t play out very well for you if you open the door right now or any time for that matter.” As @45IPAC said all of the guns went down in a tragic boating accident.
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Thank you all for the informative replies, all food for thought!
GodSpeed
M.
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When I lived out in the country I use to get visits from unwanted spiritual people (I am trying to be nice here).
I finally got fed up with it and the next time I saw them in my driveway I striped down to my under ware and answered the door holding a partially broken down shotgun.
Told them to get the women folk from the car and come on in.
I never saw them again.
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LOL I did very similar back in 1989 when I moved into a new apartment that was owned by my soon to be in-laws. There were exactly 3 people on the planet and the electric company that knew where I lived. These folks would knock on my door twice per day for about 10 days straight. I had just come back from the range and they caught me. Me being me I put on my best Red Neck hospitality and invited them in and put them on the couch.
I returned with a beer and a 1911 and began stripping it down. “Ya’ll been itchin’ to talk to me, so here’s your chance.” They were doing pretty good until I remembered my manners and offered them a beer. They of course declined and I continued to clean my pistol and kept asking them questions about their God. After about 30 minutes the youngest asked if he could have a glass of water.
I couldn’t resist. I went dead quiet and put the now reassembled pistol on my knee and cleaning rag on the other and stared at them for entirely too long. Then I used my best W.C Fields line on the topic. “Partner, we don’t drink water in this house, fish F%^K in it.”
Less than a minute later I never saw them again.
Cheers,
Craig6
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That is one of my favorite W.C.Fields quotes.
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My mom (who is a retired minister) does one of two things… If she has time, she invites them in for a sit-down and tea and converts them to be Unitarians.
If she doesn’t have time, she answers the door with her 80+ year-old eyes wiiiiide open and says in a little-girl voice… “My mommy doesn’t like it when I talk to strangers…” And that usually backs them RIGHT off the porch.
Anyone who knocks on our door had to have climbed the fence to get there, so that’s a non-starter. If it were someone claiming to be from a gvt agency, I’d have to ask to see ID, and then I’d have to contact their agency to see if they were legit. ID doesn’t mean anything, good fakes exist. I’m calling the home office.
And that’s complicated because I have to do it from my internet phone, since we don’t have a land line and there’s no cell service inside the house.
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Do you have a warrant?
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FIRST…I want to see an ID…SECOND…have a great day!
It’s kinda like polling data…have you ever been polled, or met anyone that was polled?
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How about answering from the Ring doorbell?
Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”
GA: “I’d like to speak to Mr. Burns.”
Me: “Speaking, how can I help you?”
GA: “ Mr. Burns, could you come to the door so I can talk to you?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I am not able to come the the door. How can I help you?”
GA: “I really need to speak with you.”
Me: “We are speaking. How can I help you?”
GA: “I need to speak with you in person.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I am social distancing. I can’t open the door. If you’d like, you can call my office and make an appointment. My hourly rate is $350 an hour. I’ll require a $3,500 retainer.” How would you like to pay that?”
Me: “Hello, are you there?”
Me: “Hello?”
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I’ll file that one away for future reference😉
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