Dealing with a parent with Dementia

Miscellaneous
1

Looking for advice on how to ask my father to surrender his firearms. He is 78 years old and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and has been showing early signs of dementia. This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have to do in my life, my mom has asked that I step in and talk to my father about handing over his firearms to me because he has been very aggressive towards her. His collection spans generations and fills a medium size storage locker. I learned to shoot a rifle using my Great Grandfathers 1862 Henry Repeating Rifle which is my fathers pride and joy. Most of his firearms are in storage but the ones he truly loves are all in the house.

Here are my issues, first explaining to my dad that it maybe time to hang up his holsters. I would honestly rather ask for his car keys over his firearms. Second making sure I have all the firearms, my mom knows he has them all over the house but she does not know exactly where they all are. Knowing my father every room in their home has 2-3 firearms somewhere, should I just get a metal detector and start checking or is there an easier solution?

I am not looking for empathy or sympathy, just real solutions that others have done with their own parents. I have a hunt scheduled in November with him and my son and was planning on bringing up the topic with him then. My great-grandfather and grandfather died in their 50s so this is not something he has ever dealt with, but hopefully if I make it to 78 it will be easier for my son.

11 Likes
2

Getting old isn’t for wimps.
First thing is to understand whether he realizes he has Alzheimers/dementia. If he does realize it then he has to realize why keeping the guns in the house is a bad idea. Maybe let him know you want to get an accurate inventory so that his grandkids can carry on his legacy and protect his collection. He has to understand that he isn’t getting any younger. If he doesn’t realize it, it may be time to get him out of the house for a day and do a thorough search of the premises, and a metal detector would be a useful tool.
Once you have all the firearms your family can breathe easier, so the sooner, the better. The really important thing is that YOU ALL realize he has to give up his firearms.

Wish I could be more helpful.

15 Likes
3

sounds like a very difficult situation but if your mom is that worried i say you need to address it andtake them away

7 Likes
4

Hopefully it can be handled with a conversation but it may take more. I have physically taken guns from one of my sons, he got deep into meth and I couldn’t trust him with them. All I can say is be firm but loving.

9 Likes
5

Ok sorry for the long post…

First, I absolutely commend you for recognizing this is a crazy difficult and complex subject and seeking help from folks that have navigated it successfully.

My father in law and I were as close as you could ever want to get. He was truly my second dad by all accounts and I spent more time with him than his two sons ever did.

He was diagnosed with dementia and it was heartbreaking for the family. But we tried to do the best we could every day. When it came time to have the guns AND the car keys discussion I was singled out by the family and volunteered to be the deliverer of the news to him.

I prepared myself by making sure I went into the conversation with ZERO preconceived notions because you just never know how folks are going to react, and particularly people with dementia and Alzheimer’s change!!! So previous interactions are usually not an indicator of how they will react today.

As long as he’s aware of his condition this should work. I started the conversation making sure that HE knew, because I told him, that I was going to talk to him from a place of love.

The biggest fear folks in his condition face is the fact that many of the things they love (guns) or depend on (cars) and have been doing all their lives is coming to an end FOREVER. And no one is ever ready for reality…

So, I made sure my father in law immediately KNEW that his days of shooting a gun or his independence of getting around in his car we’re NOT at an end. I told him he just needed those times to be shared with me and that I was looking forward to spending even MORE time with me.

I told him that ANY time he wanted to go shoot or felt the need to go anywhere, one phone call and I’d be there for him and that he was precious to me and I just wanted to make sure he was safe so I could enjoy his company as long as possible because every minute was precious to me.

When he resisted a little I asked him why he would deny ME the pleasure of spending more time with him and being of help to him? That seemed to trigger a reversal of any resistance he was feeling at the time. He sat in silence for a bit, then he handed me the keys to his car and the keys to the gun safe.

I made good on my side with my promise and the times we spent together over the next few years are a huge treasure of memories I’ll never forget. We often went for lunch together, I took him with me to get haircuts, or just to walk around a store for the hell if it if he was bored. He never even asked me to go shooting after that conversation and the guns faded swiftly from his mind. He passed away about 3 years later.

So in summary, this does not have to be bad, or particularly painful. You can work it to be a massive win for both of you. Just make sure you come at it with a positive attitude and a commitment to be by his side, and he will follow your lead. If you’d like to discuss further please feel free to PM me. I’ll try to help as best as I can.

19 Likes
6

I had to deal with this with my own father and what Enzo said is right on the money. I had some push back but don’t wait to long and do it when he is having a good day and understands everything you are saying.Good luck it’s not easy but needs to be done and done soon with love.

8 Likes
7

I know you probably blocked me. But I’ll just say, been there done that.
It took an extreme amount of patience, and a very slow pace to get the messages across. We found that talking to my father in law in a very concise manner when he was lucid worked. We never tried to accomplish anything if he didn’t understand.

We didn’t want to make any decisions “for” him, we wanted him to help us make the decisions together. It took two years. We were able to get everything away from him and settled into a hospice. He was as involved in the selling of their home and most of his possessions, as he could be. The guns weren’t the problem, the keys to the car, the moving and the loss of his wife were our biggest concerns.

The best way I can explain the feeling, if you were in the military, the first day of boot camp when all your worldly possessions are stripped from you, from your wallet, keys, clothes and hair! Talk about feeling naked and out of control!
That’s what they are feeling! Or the other similar event would be going to jail. Not that I’ve been there, once! Very long and cool story, ( she was drunk and the governor’s house burned down, wrong place, wrong time ) but that’s for another day!
The difference is we remember the next day. Dad didn’t remember we had the car keys and he sold the car and the house. Every day that he remembered an event, that’s when it was a shock and a surprise!
Those days were the worst. Very hard to keep telling him his wife had passed, almost daily.
It’s when they realize that something’s happened is when you need to be the most patient and have family around! You’ll need to repeat yourself again and again and again! It’s best when other family members tell him the same thing and it doesn’t come from the same person all the time. Take turns with family members!

Sorry for what you have to go through, but you will all be OK.
My father in law passed three years after we moved him, he was a week from turning 100. Did we plan for the booze and the dancing girls, damn right we did, hospice or no hospice! Advice, be gentle, patient and firm.
Don’t stop planning and never stop communicating!

10 Likes
8

I hear you brother. My Mom had it. Sure you’ll see some bitter sweet advice and support here.

Local Alzheimer’s Associations have advice on “how to broach parents” but I’d be very careful with the firearm topic outside of your most immediate family, as a “non” 2A supporter might try to make a “report” (red flag), whereas you are helping responsibly.

Link to older but similar stories:

8 Likes
9

Dealing with the host of issues that aging parents present is really difficult. Recognize that it will probably get worse as time passes, and dealing with firearms will seem easy compared to choosing and then having a conversation with your father about skilled nursing care – either in a dedicated facility or in-home care. There will come a time when neither you nor your mother can care for your father 24/7.

My siblings and I worked as a ‘tag team’ doing sleep overs with both my father and mother as they aged past their late 80s. Issues like prescription drug dependence, incontinence, dementia, diet, driving anywhere, car wrecks, house/yard maintenance, financial accounts, powers of attorney (both financial and medical), wills, going to all sorts of medical appointments, figuring out what medical diagnoses and prognoses really mean, social isolation as friends die, scam callers who prey on the elderly and countless other things we never thought we would have to do for our parents when we were growing up.

My suggestion. Buy a gun safe(s) for your dad’s guns, sweep the house and put everything in the safe. Buy more than one safe if the collection is too large for one. Change the combination(s) if you believe your father has deteriorated to a point where he’s no longer competent to be around firearms.

I found A Place for Mom to be a good resource to consult with. It’s free and provides helpful information. Likewise, if your local government has an Area Council for Aging, it can help with screening care givers and nursing homes.

It’s hard, but I found my father opening up to me about topics he never discussed when he was younger, like his experiences in the Korean War. Appreciate your parents while they are here.

5 Likes
10

My mother in-law started to fade and my wife started the conversation and it didn’t end well. She got very upset the next time we all got together, had her distract her, I took her firearm (38) - out in shop pulled the the projectile from the casing emptied the powder and dispatched the firing caps. Placed the lead back in put it back in pocket book. She to this day isn’t the wiser still feels sucre carries it just like normal. Some times it’s about not changing the normal things they are used to.

4 Likes
11

Excellent discussion. Thank you for putting it before the community.

Now, for the flip side: I am in my 70s, healthy, exercise three times a week, an active shooter and instructor, and taking university classes to keep my mind agile. At the same time I can tell my memory is not what it was even 10 years ago.
With that context, my wife and I are working on a letter of instructions to my executor and heirs on exactly what to do with my guns and related gear when I die. The letter includes inventory, instructions on how to give or sell the guns, and lists who will have the safe combinations, which will be given separately to only selected close family or friends, not all who have access to the letter.
Based on the reminder in this thread, I will add that my wife or other primary close relative should use it should I reach a point of dementia or other disability that I should no longer have access to the guns.

8 Likes
12

There are a lot of great comments here for you, but I think Enzo hit it. Especially if you have weapons that you know are treasured and want to pass on to future generations. This is one more thing to add into your discussion with your father.

5 Likes
13

I was lucky enough to end up with my father-in-laws father’s hunting rifle and his shotgun a 1950s vintage Browning Auto 5. The rifle, a beautiful FN Mauser chambered in 30-06 is sitting in my office next to a black and white picture of him and his dad holding that rifle while moose hunting in Newfoundland, Canada when my father-in-law was only 17 years old!

4 Likes
14

I see state law, depending on state, might be an issue with transfers, too. Difficult issue for sure.

4 Likes
15

That sounds like a beautiful weapon. My middle son will end up with most of my WW2 collection, I have an M-1 carbine that was a bring home all original, M-1 garand, Thompson semi-auto 45. Assorted pistols both German and U.S. His boys have already laid claims to several of my 22 rifles and shotguns.

5 Likes
16

Tough situation. Whatever you do, don’t bring in outside “experts” to help. Once you do the entire situation will be taken out of your (and his) hands. The idea of getting him to agree to bring his records up to date “for posterity” seems sound. Plus whatever you can do to make it think it was his idea (although that agreement may come and go). The best of luck for all concerned.

5 Likes
17

Yeah I’m at that point in time that when I buy a gun I’m already thinking, “Who’s getting this one?”.

6 Likes
18

I’m very sorry your family is dealing with this dilemma. If he is getting mean to your Mom that is a very dangerous sign - thank goodness you are there to help her. I’d be contacting social services for advice on how to proceed. Beat Wishes and Best Regards. Good Luck.

2 Likes
19

That is exactly what I do also. It’s not for me and what will the value increase to is how I buy.

3 Likes
20

My brothers and I went through the same thing with my dad. My mom had already passed. What we ended up doing was going to his house and one of us sitting and talking to him while the other 2 went through his entire home collecting his firearms and going out the back door with them. We split them all up and kept them for him. The only one we kept at his house was his 10 gauge Richland Arms Model 711 double barrell shotgun which was his pride. We removed all the 10 ga shells from his home. He finally moved in with my oldest brother then he had to go to hospice for the last 10 months of his life. I inherited that 10 gauge and his Mossberg 12 gauge which was his dove gun. He had a duck shotgun (Remington 870 12 ga) as well. He loved to hunt and fish and to be out in the outdoors with his sons and grandson more than anything in life. Just a suggestionif you have other family members to help.

3 Likes