babylon bee is more truth than fiction

[leo23]

SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to crack down on the invasive influence of American culture, the state of California announced that come January, it will commence mass deportation of U.S. citizens.

Governor Gavin Newsom issued an order today for authorities throughout the Golden State to begin preparing for a statewide operation to round up and expel all native-born American citizens from California.

“This will help California stay California,” Newsom said in his announcement. “For far too long, we have put up with the increasing effects of having U.S. citizens walking Californian streets, buying up Californian housing, taking Californian jobs. No more. We’re drawing a line in the sand. It’s time for these Americans to get out of California and go back where they came from.”

The move was met with mixed reactions. “It’s about time,” said one non-citizen who entered the United States illegally in 2021. “I’m tired of seeing Americans everywhere I go. Don’t they have a place of their own?” Others said the deportations would not be sufficient. “We should build a wall,” said another illegal immigrant. “Did you know that most of them don’t even speak Spanish? Can you believe that? Get them out and keep them out. California — love it, or leave it.”

At publishing time, Newsom said the deportations would begin in earnest in January but refused to comment on the possibility of allowing some American citizens to remain in California as refugees. “California has its own problems to deal with,” he said. “We can’t be helping everyone else from other places.”

[Dave17]

@leo23

$3 billion for a second electric mail delivery van

Was unaware email was delivered by van, though I did know a Van that worked in IT.

[Joseph488]

Where’s @Karacal with his drummer…?

[leo23]

PALM BEACH, FL — President-Elect Donald Trump took time out of his Christmas holiday to announce that, once he takes office, anyone American caught drinking tea instead of coffee would immediately be detained for questioning under the suspicion they are a British spy.

“Americans drink coffee,” Trump said. “It’s what our founding fathers fight for — and I love our founding fathers almost as I love a good cup of Joe. But not Joe Biden. That’s never good.”

Though Trump hasn’t officially assumed office yet, he’s been getting a lot of work done in an unofficial capacity ahead of his January 20th inauguration including assembling his cabinet, meeting with world leaders, and instigating a healthy fear of the British.

[Dave17]

@leo23

instigating a healthy fear of the British

If only the British were British again. Reminded me of a Clash lyric I always found ironic:

They say it would be wine an’ roses
If England were for Englishmen again

The irony is that with all the invasions, conquering, etc., England was never “English”, but it is becoming Muslim, just like many places in the USA.

[leo23]

A new year is upon us, with the sun setting on the darkness and despair that once was and hope rising again like the morning sun. Or something like that. What is in store for the world in 2025?

We at The Babylon Bee know exactly what’s coming because we are prophets. Here’s what you can expect.

---

January 19 - Kamala Harris becomes first female president after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 20 - Donald J. Trump is sworn in as president, instantly making America great again and killing billions of people around the globe

January 21 - Nancy Pelosi files new articles of impeachment against Trump

February 3 - The New York Times runs a shocking article exposing how Haitian migrants in Springfield, OH have been eating people’s pets

February 12 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

February 20 - Vice President J.D. Vance opens the first of many government birthing camps for women

March 7 - Something really important happens in Europe. Nobody in America cares.

March 17 - The last three remaining Irishmen in Ireland celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

March 23 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

March 31 - RFK Jr. orders all future vaccines to be tested on Dr. Anthony Fauci

April 1 - In a hilarious April Fool’s Day prank, Trump invades Greenland

April 18 - A bloodied Trump emerges from the Cave of Time, informing the world he has defeated the Clockotron, leader of the Grand Clock Army, ending Daylight Saving Time once and for all

April 21 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine

April 28 - Hunter Biden announces he has quit using cocaine

May 1 - The Chicago White Sox are eliminated from playoff contention

May 4 - Trump declares Star Wars Day a national holiday and signs executive order erasing the sequel trilogy from canon

May 15 - SpaceX successfully lands rocket on Mars and releases robot that engraves the word “BOOBS” on the planet’s surface

May 31 - Disney executives weep after finding they have no more intellectual properties to destroy

June 12 - Ellen DeGeneres gets caught trying to cross the Rio Grande to sneak back into the U.S.

June 20 - Congressional Democrats propose a bill to erect a statue of beloved national hero Luigi Mangione in the Capitol Rotunda

June 24 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

June 29 - California is swallowed up by overgrown lawns after mass deportation of Mexican landscapers

July 9 - Concerns rise over climate change once again as it starts getting pretty hot outside

July 11 - Millions of moviegoers flock to theaters to see a new Superman movie starring someone who isn’t nearly as cool as Henry Cavill

July 19 - The Babylon Bee gets banned from BlueSky, forcing Elon Musk to purchase the platform for $37

July 26 - After weeks of intensely polite protest, Canada officially joins the U.S. as the 51st state

August 5 - Buc-ee’s opens its first location on the moon

August 10 - Mitch McConnell starts giving a speech on the Senate floor

August 16 - Mitch McConnell resumes speech on the Senate floor after a six-day pause

August 25 - California finishes counting ballots from the 2024 election

September 2 - Arizona finishes counting ballots from the 2020 election

September 8 - Ribbon cutting ceremony to open the Joe Biden Presidential Library & Nursing Home

September 16 - Buc-ee’s opens second moon location due to heavy traffic at the first moon location

September 25 - All animal life on Earth is extinguished after too many people join the carnivore diet

November 5 - Americans gather to celebrate the anniversary of Kamala Harris’s defeat

November 13 - Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee

November 22 - Trump releases secret JFK files revealing that President Kennedy was killed by seed oils

November 27 - Trump orders mass incarceration of people who serve “tofurkey” for Thanksgiving dinner

December 6 - All the celebrities who announced they were leaving X in 2025 announce they will leave X in 2026

December 22 - The U.S. Postal Service begins delivering packages from Christmas 2024

December 25 - Conservatives continue the annual holiday tradition of ripping each other to shreds on social media

December 31 - Scientists conclude yet another year of intense research without finding anyone who enjoyed Amazon’s Rings of Power. Also, Catholics get really mad at The Babylon Bee.

[William191]

I would change out The Rings of Power with The Wheel of Time. Though I’ve read the books through a couple times that show isn’t Rey good. I think the writers took too many liberties with the script. But for those interested, season 3 will be out soon.

[leo23]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite swirling rumors that his demise has negatively affected his cognitive abilities, White House officials insisted today that former President Jimmy Carter is still sharp and focused behind closed doors.

The clarification came during a New Year’s press briefing, as the White House sought to dispel any speculation that President Carter had lost any of his mental acuity and ability to make sound decisions.

“He’s as sharp and decisive as he’s ever been. I can barely keep up with Jimmy,” said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. “I know there have been a lot of people spreading misinformation and wild conspiracy theories on social media that Jimmy Carter’s death has impacted his mental faculties, but that simply isn’t the case. Contrary to what you see online, President Carter is perfectly coherent and alert behind closed doors.”

With news breaking last week that Carter had passed away at the age of 100, speculation quickly spread on social media that the former president no longer had the cognitive clarity to make important decisions, allegations Jean-Pierre dismissed as baseless. “Preposterous,” she continued. “Carter is as sharp as a tack. Any video clips you see circulating on social media showing otherwise are clearly doctored, heavily edited, or entirely fabricated. When you speak with him privately, he’s just as ‘with it’ as he was when he was alive.”

At publishing time, Joe Biden had released a statement saying he had enjoyed celebrating New Year’s Eve with President Carter, Senator Dianne Feinstein, and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.

[leo23]

NEW ORLEANS, LA — The FBI announced today that the horrific scene in New Orleans was not a terrorist attack, thereby confirming to the nation that it was, in fact, a terrorist attack.

The Bureau further stated that the perpetrator had no ties to Islam, letting the nation know that he was an Islamic terrorist.

“Judging from the ISIS flag on the truck driven by a man named Shamsud-Din Jabbar to commit mass murder, we see no sign that this attack was terrorism,” explained FBI spokesman Dean Richmond. “The bombs and assault weapons inside the vehicle, as well as the lengthy manifesto confirming Jabbar’s desire to kill as many civilians as possible, further point to this having no relation to terrorism. Rest assured, the FBI will leave no stone unturned as we strive to solve this mystery.”

At publishing time, the FBI had confirmed that the perpetrator was not at the Capitol on January 6th, and therefore could not be a terrorist

[leo23]

U.S. — Following its poor performance in the attack outside the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas this week, the Tesla Cybertruck was unanimously voted Worst Vehicle by members of the National Association of Terrorist Car Bombers.

The group took an official survey of its membership after the Trump Hotel bombing, with a startling 100% of responders giving the Cybertruck the lowest possible score for its suitability for the association’s work.

“Terrible job. Hard pass,” said Anthony Larson, Vice President of the NATCB. “While other manufacturers do a great job of designing vehicles that perform well during terrorist bombing attacks, Tesla has really dropped the ball with the Cybertruck. It has shown itself to be completely inadequate for our needs. Not sure what Elon Musk and his team were thinking when they were making this one.”

Other members of the organization were equally disappointed. “It’s almost as if Tesla gave no consideration to how the Cybertruck would do when fashioned into a weapon of mass destruction,” said Anwar Al Habib. “How are we supposed to use this vehicle to kill innocent, unsuspecting people when the bomb blast barely makes it out of the cab? Ridiculous. Give me an old windowless Dodge van, thank you.”

While members did compliment the Cybertruck for its innovative look, surprising towing strength, and energy efficiency, they all said its dreadful rating as a car bombing vehicle was a deal-breaker.

At publishing time, in yet another poor review, the Cybertruck had also been named Worst in Class by Car Bomber magazine.

[leo23]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop solving crimes before they have a chance to do so.

The statement comes just hours after X users discovered all suspects and motives related to the recent terror attacks in New Orleans and Las Vegas.

The statement reads in part:

“It is in the public interest that all X users stop solving crimes immediately. Solving crime is the responsibility of the federal government and local law enforcement. If we do not solve crimes first, we cannot control the narrative, and that’s important for national security reasons we cannot discuss at this time.”

“You’re going to put us all out of a job,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray, commenting on the public statement. “We’re supposed to be the ones solving crimes. Please stop demonstrating how useless we are.”

As an incentive, the FBI is promising not to raid anyone who complies. “All you have to do is not report on suspects, observe obvious connections to other crimes, or complain when we prosecute parents of school-aged children,” a spokesman for the bureau explained. “You scratch our back, we leave your back alone. Get it?”

At publishing time, the FBI had prosecuted an X user for interfering with a cover-up.

[leo23]

ED BLUFF, CA — As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives, local wife and mother Karen Moore took it upon herself to graciously announce a number of resolutions for her husband so he wouldn’t have to.

“He never makes New Year’s resolutions,” she said. “But I know that deep down he really wants to be a better person for me — I mean himself.”

Karen’s husband, Tim, is now resolved to lose 30 pounds, take the kids to school everyday, make more money, take a romantic trip to Cancun, learn to salsa dance, and buy new curtains for the house. All for his benefit.

“New Year’s resolutions are hard, but I know he can do it,” Mrs. Moore said. “He has no choice.”

When asked to comment, Tim’s wife helpfully spoke for him, noting that Tim was “very happy” to have so many New Year’s resolutions to work so hard on and that he was “very excited” about all the salads he would be eating.

At publishing time, Karen Moore had already failed her New Year’s resolution to stop being so controlling.

[leo23]

U.S. — As the investigations continued into the deadly events of the new year, FBI agents were reportedly baffled that terrorist attacks could even occur as they had already imprisoned all of the January 6 attendees.

Despite hunting down and incarcerating everyone who was present at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, terrorist incidents still somehow happened in multiple cities, leaving federal investigators shocked and dismayed.

“We’re at a loss as to how this could still be possible,” said FBI spokesperson Special Agent Curt Schampers. “We totally thought we had eradicated all extremism and potential threats of domestic terrorism when we locked up all those grandmas and patriotic citizens over the last few years. You should have seen the looks on everyone’s faces when they told us there was a terrorist attack in New Orleans. It doesn’t make sense.”

Though little is known about the motives of the perpetrator of the deadly attack in New Orleans, FBI sources confirmed that agents are working tirelessly to link the incident to President-elect Donald Trump in any way they can. “We won’t rest until we get to the bottom of this,” Agent Schampers said. “And when I say ‘get to the bottom of this,’ I mean ‘fabricate enough evidence to make it seem like a Trump supporter did this.'”

At publishing time, insiders revealed that the FBI would spend the next two weeks rounding up any Jan 6 attendees who had been released from custody so they could send them back to prison.

[leo23]

U.K. — England is safe once again after Metropolitan police caught and jailed a man who made memes that offended child rapists.

The man, Edward Goulding, reportedly made several rapists feel bad about themselves with memes he shared on social media.

“Oi! Awful stuff you got here,” said police as they ransacked Goulding’s home. “Now, how do you think this would make you feel if you were a child rapist and you saw this? That’s hate speech, and Britian won’t tolerate that sort of thing. Bloody bigoted of you.”

Several convicted child rapists have had their probation terms rescinded by the British government in an attempt at reparations for Goulding’s crime. Goulding is currently being held in the Tower of London while police continue to search for more evidence of dangerous memes. “Look at this horrific meme about how British police jail people over speech and decline to prosecute grooming gangs,” said Sir Martin Attebury. “This criminal belongs in jail, and we vow to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.”

At publishing time, Britain’s finest had driven past three stabbings to arrest a Yorkshire man who had made a meme featuring Mohammed.

[leo23]

OTTAWA — Amid growing public outcry across the country, the Canadian government announced that embattled Prime Minister Justin Trudeau would be humanely euthanized after his resignation.

The announcement revealed that, in accordance with what has become a Canadian tradition, the old, unuseful prime minister would be quietly put out of his misery to prevent him from becoming a burden to his fellow citizens.

“He has lived a full life but has now exceeded his usefulness,” said Benjamin Cloutier, a spokesman for the Canadian government’s Department of Euthanasia. “We are thankful for Mr. Trudeau’s service and have assured him that he will meet his end peacefully and painlessly. It’s the Canadian way, eh?”

Trudeau was stoic in a brief statement confirming the end of his life. “We put up a good fight, but what are you going to do?” he said. “We achieved a lot of historic things under our leadership. Most of them were just really, really awful, but historic nonetheless. I am honored to have served as prime minister and bid all Canadians a fond farewell. So long, folks.”

Following his formal resignation, Trudeau was expected to have a brief reception with family and close friends at a local Tim Horton’s for coffee and donuts before being escorted by government agents to his final resting place.

At publishing time, Canadian officials revealed that memorial services for Trudeau would be held later in the week, where citizens could look forward to ice fishing, lacrosse, a pancake social, and the traditional 21-moose salute.

[leo23]

ATTENTION: American women have until noon on the 20th of January, in the Year of our Lord 2025, to find a man to get them pregnant or one will be selected for them.

At precisely noon, Trump will be inaugurated as the 47th president of the United States. As his first act, he will sign an executive order requiring all women to produce children for the glory of the American theocracy. Any woman without a man will be assigned one through the Supervised Triage of Unique Dads (STUD). Women caught actively not getting pregnant will be sent to the Gestational Camps in Guantanamo Bay.

A period of one year is allowed between pregnancies while the mother recuperates from her holy work.

Women who are advanced in years and no longer capable of birthing children will be assigned to a family as a helper for the purpose of helping young mothers. Any woman refusing to help raise children in any fashion will be sent to the Detroit Salt Mines.

Men who either refuse to have children or are advanced in age (65 or older) will be called “totally gay.”

[Dave17]

@leo23

Men who either refuse to have children or are advanced in age (65 or older) will be called “totally gay.”

Tony Randall had 2 children in his late 70s.

[William191]

@Jim80

drops on the floor no longer belongs to me.

Especially food. The puppies are on it faster than I can bend over to pick it up.

[William191]

FYI

Which president had a child at 70 years old?

Tyler, born during the presidency of *George Washington, fathered his last child at age seventy, and the last of his offspring would live into the Truman presidency. During Tyler’s lifetime, Washington, D.C., was a swampy, disease-ridden place.

It’s changed any?