Guess I’ll have to get my daily dosage of Bee pollen today…
Loved the “Californians move to Texas” vids
so did I as a matter of fact I go back and watch it every so often for a good laugh 
Too late…
In a few days, Americans across the nation will be slaving away in the kitchen, setting the table, and launching headlong into heated arguments with their blood relatives. But with many families tired of the same old political disagreements, new argument topics are sorely needed.
The Babylon Bee is here to solve this dilemma by offering up the following list of better things to argue about this Thanksgiving than politics:
- Whether owning a Jaguar retroactively makes you gay: It may not even be the Jaguar owner’s choice at this point.
- Can the world recover from the Dodgers winning the World Series?: Many horrible things happened in the world in the last four years, but this may have been the worst.
- Why finding out someone in your family liked Rogue One requires cutting them off: Uncle Greg can’t be allowed to spread his wrongthink to the rest of the family.
- Whether serving marshmallow jello salad should be classified as a felony: The fact that this is still being debated is a testament to America’s tolerance of open discourse.
- Anna Kendrick — hot or just “meh?”: Opinions vary wildly.
- Whether or not Die Hard is a Hannukah movie: The fact that it’s a Christmas movie is settled science, but Hannukah? The jury is out.
- How many perverse flavors can Oreo create before God pours out His wrath?: Even the Lord’s patience is finite.
- Is Joe Biden alive?: This isn’t even about politics, people just need to know if he already died.
You can be assured that raising any of the topics listed above will result in a vicious argument that is completely devoid of any political discussion
It’s Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and natives gathered in peace to eat food, debate about who the land belonged to, and watch the Macy’s parade. But what about the things they didn’t teach you in school?
The Babylon Bee is here to fill in the gaps left by the things public school won’t tell you about the first Thanksgiving:
- The Patriots defeated the Redskins 42-3 in the first Thanksgiving Day football game: It was just the first of what would be many slaughters.
- The turkey was carved by none other than a young Joe Biden: Historian accounts tell of how young Joe enjoyed sniffing the hair of young Indian girls.
- Even though they were starving, the pilgrims politely passed on the Indians’ marshmallow jello salad: There are fates worse than death.
- French settlers in Canada got the date wrong and accidentally celebrated a month early: A tradition that continues to this day.
- Pilgrim wives rushed off following the meal to get doorbuster deals at Kohl’s: Bonnets and shoes with large silver buckles on them were going for half price.
- Indians were suspicious of the hot dish labeled “smallpox”: One Indian did politely end up taking some of it home, though no one is sure what happened after that.
- Scandal erupted after it was revealed that the pilgrims’ potato salad was store-bought: The tell-tale clear plastic clamshell container was reportedly found in the trash can.
- Several pilgrims still ended up dying of starvation after they got tired of eating leftover turkey sandwiches: Even the hungry can only eat so much turkey.
- The holiday was later named for the man who came up with the idea, Bob Thanksgiving: And for Bob, we are all truly thankful.
Your public school education may have robbed you of this valuable knowledge, but now you know the whole story. What other little-known facts about the first Thanksgiving have you heard about? Post them in the comments below.
Kash Patel is now the presumptive head of the FBI and he’s planning on some big changes. Here are just a few of the most incredible.
Here are 10 drastic changes coming to the bureau:
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All FBI agents must go back to wearing trenchcoats, carrying snub-nose revolvers, and saying “see?” after every statement: Presentation matters, see?
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Cancel all current plans to assassinate Donald Trump: But cool trenchcoats first.
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All of Melania’s underwear recovered during the Mar A Lago raid must be returned: They’ve had it long enough.
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From now on, all agents must submit a written request before grooming a mass shooter: Finally, a return to common sense MKUltra policies.
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X-Files to be reopened: Agents therein now report directly to the president.
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New Applicants must weigh under 400 pounds: This is a step in the right direction for fitness requirements.
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The Chief Officer of Quadrapalegic Black Lesbian Representation will be fired: No severance package.
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Remove all 850 wiretaps at Mar-a-Lago: It’s a waste of resources since Trump publicly shares everything anyway.
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Agents are now required to arrest pedophiles: This is a new, cutting-edge idea in criminal justice.
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No more work retreats at Epstein Island: Kash Patel is such a party pooper.
It really looks like Kash Patel will get the bureau back in shape. What other changes are you hoping he brings to the bureau? Let us know in the comments below.
U.S. — To the delight of millions, President-Elect Trump has announced that future FBI Director Kash Patel and DOGE co-leader Vivek Ramaswamy will celebrate the inauguration with an epic Bollywood ceremony.
“Vivek and Kash will crush the Deep State, but before that, they will perform the most special and incredible Indian dance the world has ever seen,” said Trump to cheering fans. “There will be eagles and tigers and elephants and dancing women, and they will even make that cool dance move where it looks like they’re trying to screw in a lightbulb. It will be almost as cool as my dance moves, but not quite, let’s be honest.”
Patel and Ramaswamy seemed caught off guard by the announcement. “I’m an American from Ohio,” said Ramaswamy. “I know the Electric Slide and Cotton Eye Joe. I’m not even that good at dancing. There must be some mistake.”
Sources within the administration say they will pull out all the stops to make this event one to remember. “We’re going to have them dance to the tune of such classic Bollywood hits as ‘Chaiyya Chaiyya’ and ‘Ae Dil Hai Muskil’ while elephants descend upon the National Mall under the rain of confetti fired from a thousand cannons,” said the source. “There will be so many explosions, and we’ll get to see Kash Patel break out the mesmerizing dance moves of his native land.”
“Seriously, guys, I’m from New York,” said Patel. “I can’t dance to save my life. Please don’t make me do this.”
Trump has confirmed the pair have set aside their duties as part of Trump’s transition team to devote all of their attention to what is sure to be the Bollywood ceremony to end all Bollywood ceremonies.
At publishing time, the Trump transition team had also recruited JD Vance’s wife for the performance.
Never gets old!
Women are mercurial, and every husband knows how challenging it can be to remain the object of a wife’s attention and adoration. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has solved this universal riddle and put together the following list of things that all wives will find irresistibly sexy:
- Let her spend the evening watching you play Call of Duty: Wives go crazy seeing their husbands hit headshot after headshot.
- Draw her a nice, relaxing dish soap bubble bath: She’ll be amazed you knew her favorite scent.
- Use a chainsaw to cut the end off your cigar: She will instantly swoon with desire.
- Surprise her by inviting all your buddies over to eat dinner and watch football: Nothing excites a woman quite like feeding unexpected guests.
- Show her how to calculate WHIP and ERA stats in baseball: If there are two things women go crazy for, it’s math and sports.
- Wear something sexy to bed, like an orange hunting vest: Ladies can’t restrain themselves when they see that shade of neon.
- Run full-speed into a brick wall so your face will look more like Benedict Cumberbatch: Apparently, this is what women find attractive.
- Show her how you can eat an entire ribeye without using your hands: Her pure, unadulterated animal instincts will take over from there.
- Lick all the ice cream out of your bowl so you can put it back in the cabinet without her having to wash it: Sometimes it’s the little things that show her how much you love her.
- Write her a love letter using dwarf runes: Any night instantly becomes more romantic once someone has to bust out some Tolkien for translation purposes.
They’re all effective, but use the items on the list with discretion. Be prepared to have to fight her off for the rest of the night.
The Bee has a long history of writing crazy stuff that has later become truth. Recently they made a statement about how tough it has become to come up with stuff so outrageous that folks will immediately recognize it as satirical writing.
These days, truth really is stranger than fiction.
I do one better, I give my bowl and spoon to my dog to clean up. 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with the United States Supreme Court ruling 8-1 in favor of taking turns bonking Justice Sonia Sotomayor on the head with their gavels.
As the court heard arguments on a number of high-profile cases involving gun rights, immigration, and gender surgery for minors, the justices took an impromptu vote to determine if they should line up to take turns whacking Justice Sotomayor over the head.
“It is the court’s opinion that Justice Sotomayor be made subject to repeated bonking,” Justice Clarence Thomas stated in the majority opinion. “After hearing multiple days of arguments, we agreed that everyone would benefit from having the opportunity to take their gavel upside Sonia’s head. This would do a great service for not only the morale of the court but the benefit of the country as a whole.”
Even the court’s more liberal justices agreed that Sotomayor was deserving of a good gaveling. “It’s good to teach someone a lesson every now and then,” said Justice Elena Kagan. “I adore Sonia, but if you sat through an entire day of arguments while having to listen to her asinine questions, you’d vote in favor of smacking her over the head with a hammer, too. We’re all secretly hoping it will knock some sense into her.”
At publishing time, it was revealed that the one dissenting vote was surprisingly cast by Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, as Justice Sotomayor once again did not understand the basic elements of the case.
CANADA — The celebrities who fled the U.S. in horror following Trump’s presidential victory are finding themselves right back where they started: under the tyrannical iron fist of Trump’s authoritarian will. Trump’s surprise announcement to annex Canada has sent ripples through the persecuted celebrity community.
“All those celebrities — all terrible and untalented, by the way — are Americans again,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “I have taken Canada as America’s 51st state. They now live in MAGA country, which is the best country, even if they don’t know that. They don’t have to thank me, but I’ll still say, ‘You’re welcome, celebrities.’”
Several celebrities, including Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, and Alec Baldwin are all feeling the heat, each of them concerned they will soon have to get pregnant and wear Handmaid’s Tale uniforms.
“How could it come to this?” Alec Baldwin asked no one. “I was in Cats & Dogs. Everyone loves that movie!”
“This can’t be happening!” Streep reportedly said upon hearing the news. “He’s going to force me to get pregnant!”
Trump pushed back on the negativity. “Don’t be ridiculous, no one is going to get you pregnant, Meryl,” he said, directly addressing Streep’s claims. “You’ll be working in the maple syrup mines with the rest of the menopausal celebrities.”
At publishing time, celebrity Raven-Symoné had started to feel left out after Trump said he had no idea who she was.
Resident Joe Biden has been under fire this week for pardoning his son, Hunter, leaving political experts and the general public wondering what else he might have up his sleeve before leaving office next month.
The Babylon Bee has come into possession of the following secret list of the next ten people Biden is planning to pardon:
- Corn Pop: Even bad dudes deserve a second chance.
- Rian Johnson: Absolving him of any wrongdoing in making The Last Jedi is sure to be controversial.
- Hunter Biden: Again. For any crimes that he might have committed since the last pardon.
- The unnamed person who peed on the Oval Office rug 73 times: Oops, make that 74 times.
- Rob Manfred: The man charged with ruining the game of baseball may end up getting away with it.
- Anyone involved in the production of the 2019 screen adaptation of Cats: Some villains will have to receive their punishment in the world to come.
- The Kansas City Chiefs for crimes against humanity: The team will now never face any consequences for subjecting the world to regular views of Taylor Swift during football games.
- Hunter Biden: And an unnamed drug dealer. And three hookers.
- Peanut the Squirrel: This posthumous pardon may be the most popular move of Biden’s presidency.
- Every Mexican in the world: Even if they didn’t come to the U.S. illegally, they’re still collectively responsible for mariachi music.
- The Gerber baby: For crimes that remain undisclosed.
- The guy who invented Crocs: The pardon is coming just in time, as he is currently on Death Row awaiting execution.
- Hunter Biden: UPDATE — He reportedly just stole the British crown jewels and pawned them for crack money.
NEW YORK CITY — Judge Maxwell Wiley has ordered the jury in Daniel Penny’s trial to go back and keep on deliberating until they come back with a different verdict.
After four days of deliberation, the jury announced that Penny could not be found guilty of manslaughter. Judge Wiley asked if maybe the jury could just pretend that never happened, and instructed them to think of some new charge to deliberate about until they changed their minds.
“Ugh, you guys are making this so hard,” sighed Wiley, holding his head in his hands. “Can we all just go around and each of you say what charge you would find him guilty of? Is that against the law? Aw, fine. Well, how about we just all make-believe that he was never charged with manslaughter and the last few weeks were all a dream. Deal? Now, you all go back there and talk about some new charge and hey – try come back with the right verdict this time, okay?”
According to sources in the courtroom, Penny’s defense attorneys argued that such a move was obviously illegal and was a blatant move by the judge to pressure the jury. “Your honor, with all due respect, I don’t think we are allowed to ask the jury to play make-believe,” argued attorney Thomas Kenniff. “Your honor, would you please put down the giant ‘GUILTY’ posterboard?”
At publishing time, Judge Wiley had asked the prosecution to go sit in with the jury while they deliberate to make sure they got it right this time.