NEW YORK, NY — A stunning legal precedent was set in the Big Apple today, as a jury in the highly publicized trial of Daniel Penny found him not guilty, officially declaring selfless acts of heroism legal in New York.
Legal experts described the verdict as a stark reversal of all previous understanding of the law in the state, as it had been assumed for several decades that sacrificially putting one’s own life at risk to protect other people was strictly prohibited.
“This is great news for heroes of all kinds,” said legal analyst Christopher Gilbert. “This verdict tossed aside many years of criminals being coddled in New York and instead gives selfless individuals with the desire to preserve life the green light to act impulsively on behalf of those being oppressed or assaulted. Many of us never thought this day would ever come, but here it is. It is legal to be heroic in New York.”
Critics of the verdict were quick to condemn the precedent it set. “This is a dark day for New York,” said protester Lawrence Davis. “So now it’s perfectly legal for people to stand up for others and keep them from being harmed? What’s next — they’ll try to start prosecuting criminals for breaking the law? This could lead us down a very dangerous path. Who wants to live in a world like that?”
At publishing time, legal experts issued an urgent warning to the public that Penny’s acquittal could potentially lead to widespread courage and random acts of sacrificial bravery.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal agent Ray Epps will step down from his role as head of PSYOPS at the end of the Biden administration, the agency said Thursday, ending a distinguished career of covertly manipulating the American people.
Epps said it was important to retire now and preserve his pension before he was forced out by Trump and lost it all.
“I’ve paid my dues,” Epps said with a smile. “I’ve secretly been pulling the strings for the deep state a long time and it’s time for me to enjoy my retirement before Trump gets on my case about inciting January 6.”
FBI Director Christopher Wray, who is also stepping down at the end of the Biden administration, praised Ray Epps for the incredible work he’s done turning Americans against each other. “Without Epps, America would be a downright peaceful place,” he said. “We owe him a debt of gratitude.”
Epps has been with the service since the 60s, first rising to prominence in the bureau thanks to his collaboration with the CIA to kill JFK. He enjoyed a long career as a Deep State agent, but after two failed Trump assassination attempts he decided it was time to throw in the towel.
“I’m slowing down a bit,” Epps said, taking a long drag on a Cuban cigar. “But that doesn’t mean I’m done. Maybe I’ll spend some time on a beach destabilizing Argentina for a while. You gotta keep busy.”
At publishing time, Epps had been awarded The FBI Medal for Meritorious Achievement by President Joe Biden for his hard work destroying America.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the assassination of the UnitedHealth CEO, former President Barack Obama stepped forward to calm tensions by reminding Americans not to be too hasty to find and assassinate everyone responsible for the healthcare crisis.
In an only slightly nervous statement to the nation, a visibly sweating Obama reminded people not to jump into hunting down and killing everyone who might be considered responsible for causing the terrible state of American healthcare.
“Now, now, let’s not get carried away here,” said Obama, tapping the floor faster and faster as an eyebrow inadvertently twitched. “Surely the answer here isn’t more violence. After all, we can’t just go around slaughtering all of the people responsible for our messed-up healthcare system now, can we? All I’m saying is, let’s not be overly rushed about this.”
Sources report that Obama then walked somewhat quickly back to his armored security detail, casting quick glances to his left and right as he went.
At publishing time, Fauci had also gone on record to remind Americans that there’s no need to go find and kill all of the people who may have adversely affected public healthcare in the US.
ANN ARBOR, MI — After weeks of intense research and deliberation among colleagues, local husband Felix Mayweather bought the wrong Christmas gift for his wife.
“She’s going to love this,” Mayweather said, blissfully unaware that she would not, in fact, love it.
According to sources, it took weeks of intense study and careful shopping before Mayweather felt confident enough to buy the wrong Christmas gift. He secretly interviewed his wife’s friends, pulled several all-nighters comparing Amazon user reviews, and even attended guest lectures on female psychology.
“I haven’t worked so hard on anything in my life,” Mayweather admitted while clicking “buy” on a handbag his wife would end up loathing. “But she’s worth it.”
When others asked Mayweather how he could feel so confident he found the perfect gift, he reminded them, “It’s the thought that counts. It’s impossible for her to hate anything I put this much effort into.”
He added, “Plus, women like handbags. It’s a handbag. Don’t tell her.”
At publishing time, Felix Mayweather had second thoughts about the handbag he had bought for his wife and exchanged it for a coat in his wife’s least favorite color. “Now this, she’ll love,” he said.
Well, I was on an Alaskan cruise, but that was well before I was “old”. Though I do not carry a wallet, probably at least a decade now, I do on occasion have cash in my phone case.
LUXEMBOURG — According to eyewitnesses at the Grand Duke’s palace, Nancy Pelosi was rushed to the hospital earlier today after her blood alcohol level plunged dangerously.
Sources say that the Democrat representative is now in stable condition, having downed several vodka tonics and three glasses of wine since the incident.
“We almost lost her,” said Dr. Johann Warstein, who has been caring for Pelosi since she was hospitalized earlier today. “Ms. Pelosi skipped her usual four morning screwdrivers, then accidentally drank too much water over lunch. Her blood alcohol levels, normally around 50%, plunged to almost legal levels. If not for the quick actions of our emergency personnel to get a fifth of vodka in her bloodstream, we may be having a different conversation. It was touch and go.”
Condolences and casks of alcohol have poured into the Luxembourg hospital where Pelosi is staying overnight, in a heartwarming effort to keep Pelosi safely sloshed. Initial reports note that the doctors have graciously tried some of the gifts themselves so that they can make sure the alcohol content is high enough for Rep. Pelosi.
At publishing time, doctors had outfitted Pelosi with one of those beer hats to ensure she always had a steady supply of alcohol at the ready.
Women are a mystery. We literally do not understand them at all. So, we consulted with the top women researchers, and they revealed to us the 12 most common questions wives ask during movies. Here they are:
Q: What’s the name of this movie again?
Q: Who’s that guy?
Q: Wasn’t he in Gilmore Girls?
Q: What’s happening? Sorry, I was looking up if that guy was in Gilmore Girls.
Q: Why did he do that? And who is he again? Oh, no, he wasn’t from Gilmore Girls; he was in One Tree Hill. That’s right. I knew I knew him from somewhere.
Q: Do you think we should see if the Jacksons want to come over for dinner on Friday?
Q: Wow, it looks like Viggo Mortensen really kicked that helmet hard. Is there any interesting trivia you have to share about the filming of this scene?
Q: Wait, he was dead the whole time?
Q: Would you still love me if I were a worm?
Q: Oh, he’s the BAD guy?!
Q: Do you want to get some tacos? I want tacos. But I don’t want to get them if you don’t want to get them.
Q: Wait, it’s over? What happened?
We hope this helps you understand women better. It sure did for us.
It’s only a week until Christmas, which means two things — remembering the wonder of God sending Jesus into the world, and heatedly debating whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. What if the two are more connected than you think?
The Babylon Bee is here to make the case with the following list of ways Die Hard points people to Christ:
Just as the film’s title suggests, the devil found it hard to kill Jesus: No one dies harder than the Son of God.
Hans Gruber falls to his death and his head is crushed on the pavement in the same way Christ crushes the head of the serpent: Not since the Bible itself has the fulfillment of God’s plan for the redemption of mankind been made so clear.
Salvation is through faith, just like John McClane took a leap of faith from the roof of Nakatomi Plaza: Youth pastors have been using this obvious metaphor for decades.
There is a black cop, reminding us of Christ’s love for all nations and peoples: Beautiful.
The climactic scene was clearly an homage to the well-known biblical account of Jesus taking out the Pharisees with a 9mm Beretta taped to His back: Everyone remembers that from Sunday School.
John McClane is armed with a machine gun, much like we become armed with the sword of the Spirit: Could there be a more perfect illustration?
Like the theatrical release of Die Hard, Jesus’ birth also happened in the spring: The allegory knows no limit.
Though people may disagree about Die Hard being a Christmas movie, there’s no arguing the abundance of allegorical evidence. What other clues have you noticed? Throw them in the comments.
Ostensibly designed to merely keep the government open until March, suspicions arose that the new spending bill may have a few things added after it clocked in at 1,500 pages and $1.2 trillion. The Bee has reviewed the bill line by line, uncovering the following thirteen shocking items:
$5 billion for construction of tiny racquetball courts for midgets: Feels a touch superfluous.
$500 million to construct a new shell for Mitch McConnell: Poor little fella.
$10 billion to put more drones over New Jersey: Wait a minute…
Standing permission for Mike Johnson to stay out with his friends past 9 p.m. and he can no longer be grounded by his mother: Oddly specific.
$700 million for a lab to study what happens if you make the coronavirus more transmissible and deadly: Smart.
$70 billion for literal pork: Barrels of pork, far as the eye can see.
$370 million to study the effects of climate change on gender fluid salamanders that have chicken wings surgically attached: Mission critical.
$10 million to replace all artwork in Capitol Rotunda with paintings by famed artist Hunter Biden: What a bargain.
$200 million for a new face for Nancy Pelosi: Those eyebrows aren’t going to raise themselves.
$50 billion for “gay stuff”: They didn’t specify, and we didn’t ask.
$9 billion for the rights to the Nickelback song “Photograph”: Really feel like we got hosed on this one.
$3 billion for a second electric mail delivery van: You’re welcome, Mother Earth.
$120 billion for the “Big Guy”: One last time for old time’s sake.
Wow, it sure takes a lot to keep the government running at a bare minimum for three months. Thank you, Congress.
Is there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don’t get raises, sometimes for years.
Well, we’re compassionate for the less fortunate here at The Babylon Bee, so we’ve put together this list of the eight best reasons that members of Congress deserve a hefty raise right away:
It was a rough year for insider trading: It’s been a difficult time for many in Washington.
Ukraine kickbacks might be ending in a couple months: Congress should get a little raise to help them through these unprecedented times.
The costs of coke orgies are through the roof nowadays: A simple bump in pay will help Congressmen maintain their simple coke orgy lifestyle.
Their jobs are much harder than those lazy bums at the Supreme Court: Those people have time to star in Broadway productions, for goodness’ sake.
Some people (we don’t know who) passed insane spending bills that caused inflation: Whoever did this to us is terrible. But either way, Congress needs more money to survive in this economic crisis that some unknown culprits caused.
Their approval rating is probably super high: Raises should be tied to job performance, and it’s clear that Congress is doing a really good job performance.
If they don’t get raises, they’ll take bribes instead: A great point.
It costs, like, $45,000 to go to the movies now: Even lowly public servants like Congressmen should be able to afford the simple pleasures in life.
NEW YORK, NY — In a move intended to capitalize on his popularity with the show’s audience, NBC announced that UnitedHealthcare CEO killer Luigi Mangione would host next week’s episode of Saturday Night Live.
The show, which was originally scheduled to air a rerun this weekend due to the Christmas holiday, switched gears and swung a deal to secure Mangione as host after learning how beloved the accused murderer was by viewers.
“We know what our audience wants,” said SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels. “Once we heard the tremendous ovation Luigi received when he was mentioned on last week’s show, we knew we had to bring him in to host. Viewers love seeing their heroes featured in prominent roles, and nothing is more prominent than hosting Saturday Night Live. We just hope he likes the jokes we write for him, because… well, you know.”
Despite Mangione’s lack of showbiz experience and pending murder charges, cast members expressed excitement about working with him. “It should be a great episode,” said longtime performer Heidi Gardner. “We’re always eager to work with celebrities who are really popular with the audience, and I don’t know if we’ve ever had anyone as popular as Luigi. Plus, have you seen him? He’s a total smoke show. It’ll be fun. Hopefully, we all make it out alive.”
At publishing time, expecting Mangione’s episode to be a hit, producers were also making calls to line up future hosting spots for Son of Sam, Casey Anthony, and the BTK Killer.
Though I do not carry a wallet, probably at least a decade now, I do on occasion have cash in my phone case.
If it isn’t vinyl, you are doing it wrong. 
