CHICAGO — A 34-year-old male identified as Damien Trevor, an out-of-state attendee at the Democratic National Convention, had his hopes dashed Wednesday when he thought he was waiting in line for a delicious burrito from a food truck but accidentally got a vasectomy instead.
“I thought it was weird when they asked me to get on the truck and take off my pants, but I thought, ‘eh, this must be a great burrito,’” he recounted.
According to sources, it was not worth it.
“I just wanted a burrito!! No!!!” Damien Trevor reportedly cried after being snipped. “Why does this keep happening to me? This is worse than that time I accidentally got an abortion! Who puts a mobile vasectomy center next to a food truck anyway?”
Witnesses were reportedly empathetic to the plight of Damien Trevor but questioned his intelligence since there was no food signage on the truck. “There was even a sign that said, ‘Free Vasectomies Here!’ in large letters,” said local bystander Joseph Wails as he was getting snipped for free.
“I just thought a vasectomy was some sort of hot sauce,” Trevor admitted. “I mean, sure, I thought it was weird when they had me sign a waiver, but I just thought it was gonna be really really hot.”
At publishing time, Damien Trevor was at least thankful he wouldn’t be contributing to global warming by having any children.
CHASKA, MN — Mike Lindell, founder and CEO of MyPillow, surprised investors this week by shaving his mustache and hiding it in one of millions of pillows shipping out to stores. It’s part of a new promotion in which one lucky customer will receive a genuine pillow stuffed with his shaved mustache.
“It could be you!” Lindell said in a televised commercial in which he cradled the pillow containing his mustache. “This is the most comfortable mustache you’ll ever sleep on. Guaranteed!”
The one-of-a-kind Mustache MyPillow is said to have been inspired by Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket promotion, only this time the ticket is the mustache and is not redeemable for a tour through the MyPillow factory. You just get a pillow stuffed with a mustache.
MyPillow marketers said the promotion would be a guaranteed success, with sales forecasts predicting over a million new customers. “Everyone’s going to want that mustache,” said executive team member Harold Downs.
In related news, an internal struggle among executives to oust Mike Lindell is currently brewing. “He no longer has a mustache, why should he lead us?” said board member Bob Foam. “Let me and my mustache take the MyThrone!”
At publishing time, Lindell was reportedly considering making the mustache-stuffed MyPillow an annual event if the promotion was successful.
