Humorous Stories to Lighten The Moment

The wife and I just moved into our new home on 3.5 acres some years back… Went to bed one night and all was well. At 2 am from a sound sleep I am woke up to my wife
screaming and hollering and jumping up and down on the bed. Being fully awake
at this point I am asking what is wrong, she is screaming something ran across
the bed. I am believing she is dreaming however she tells me that she is not.
Get some lights on and get up to hear a noise in master bath. I go into the bath
and close the door. I find a large squirrel in the bath and he allows me to put a
plastic trash can over him. My wife gives me a piece of cardboard to slide up
under the trash can. I get the trash can with squirrel and head to the front door,
I go out on the 3.5 acres to release the squirrel back into the woods. Now you
can laugh at the jumping up and down in bed, the other part of the story is when
I was releasing the squirrel you need to know I sleep in the buff. Mike

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Mike, Mike, Mike, Am so glad the rodent didn’t ask you “wazz up doc?” and you didn’t fire any warning shots…jb weld will repair tub holes…LOLsquirrel

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I see posts of luxurious gun clubs…WOW…we have our own outdoor range that is luxurious as well!!!

“Luxury gun club” Here is that argumentive term “gun”! LOL LOL… Luxury?

Our range offers…

a few weeds here and there, we offer no charge sprayers with chemical for those who want to attack some noxious weeds
air conditioned house, however, we offer umbrellas and sun screen, and a large fan in the shop
feel free to mark your territory
water in the canal if one needs to freshen up
super sonic has a cool ring off the “doctors house” closest neighbor maybe 300 yards? he is a good neighbor!
BBQ on house patio if one wants to cook their own burger, bring your own propane
mud when it rains, bring your own boots
for “wax on, wax off” exercises, we offer stain for the fence

We offer music…Almost forgot…bring the mrs pickup near the range, and turn up “thunder struck”!!!

No, you cant shoot the pheasants! Only the skunks, but please shoot them on the “docs” property, smell causes cancer

the brass is ours. we provide picker uppers
bring your own can of white target paint, we are budgeting for more reloading supplies
1 free complimentary egg as we have chickens
best tasting well water, bring your own container
if you would like a garden tractor experience, we provide gas for the mower, for those that would prefer exercise, we have the push type as well
internet service available when it works, code is “we don’t dial 911”
snows? winter time? please bring your own shovel, if one gets cold, build a fire. Bring red target paint. We offer no charge towing and tow ropes if one gets stuck. If you desire snow removal experience, please bring your own gas for 4 wheeler, or snow blower, remember bring your own gas.

no ambiance or fireplace…have Bunsen burner in shop, buckets to sit on, bring your own pillows
bullet trap in back of shop, and no you’re not going to put bullet holes in back of shop, experienced shooters only are allowed to shoot in shop

classes available for those desiring sprinkler repair and maintenance
10 acres and free parking
RV parking available, no sewer, donations for power are accepted. Garden hose for outdoor showers, however showering in the nude might scare the coyotes
Tent areas available, beware of sprinklers
This is not a B and B, we offer free coffee, for wake up service, roosters crow

Its an IDAHO thang!

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I’ve got 2 quick ones for ya:

  1. Part of my morning routine (since I am working out of the house now) is hangout on the front porch and have my coffee about a hour before work starts. Just hangout, say hello and chat a bit with people who walk past (mostly dogwalkers) met some interesting people, made some new friends on the neighboring streets and some very very interesting characters. One particular morning a lovely young lady was walking her dog past my house…The usual pleasantries good morning, how are you, everybody staying safe…etc.

Me:Hey that’s a pretty good looking dog you got there, is that a Carolina Swamp Dog?
Her:Yes it is! How did you know?
Me:My friend has one, pushing 16!
Her:WOW (looks at her dog and pets him) Yeah, He is pretty handsome…but he is a pain in my ass!!
Me:Well what do you expect handsome dudes.

2: When all of lockdowns started, I thought what would be the stupidest, weirdest, funniest thing I could do…Why try and grow a Atlantic Giant Pumpkin in the front yard and see how big it gets, Please keep in mind that I live in Los Angeles, the city of Los Angeles.
Guess what, it grew and its getting bigger
The first photo is 40 days from seed, the second is twelve days later.
Here’s the part that makes me chuckle, not so much that the pumpkin is actually growing, but the crazy lady who bitches at me because HER Atlantic Giant Pumpkin plant isn’t even half the size of mine, has no fruit yet, and DEMANDS to know what I am doing different!!!

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My contribution to the humor

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Yesterday traveled out to the western part of Idaho, was out in the middle of nowhere land, and of course since I am a male, I do not ask for directions. Tried the gps on my smart phone for a dumb guy. Of course that doesn’t work, and had to ask our daughter (the elctronic wizard) how to use gps. Believe it or not, the gps put me in a continuous circle, and ended up on a road called “chicken dinner road.” Who would name a road by this name? To make a long story short, yes i was lost again on chicken dinner road. After finding my way, and getting hungry, Stopped at a fast food choke and puke, and ordered a chicken sandwich. Was so tough and over cooked, I could not eat. THE REVENGE OF CHICKEN DINNER ROAD!!!

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A true story,
The other day, had to work on a piece of equipment on a truck on our day job. The driver hands me a key, and he says don’t lose it, you will find out. I always appreciate some humor, on this instance I was puzzled. Stuck the key in my pocket as not to forget where I put it. An hour later, I hear (yes my hearing is still good, huh?) this click click. What strange noise? As I approached the cab of the truck, the door locks were opening and closing, as if no one involved. I looked around to see if this was a revengeful joke. No one in sight. Another click click. Some electronic demon obviously was playing tricks. At this point the doors were locked, and no problem as I carried on with the task at hand. Several hours later, I needed into the cab of this possessed monster only to find, I have misplaced the key. Due to my superior old age memory, the key was installed in my pocket earlier in the day. Since my vocabulary is of college material, the term “whiskey, tango, foxtrot” was spoken to the white demon, or maybe to myself as well. After a frantic, maybe, one hour search my mrs arrives on the scene, holding a shiny object, with the statement attached “do you need this?” Coincidently, the mrs drives a white pickup, which matches the white cab of this truck. I wonder if that color has anything to do with incident?

But wait, there is more to the story…the name on the hood of this fine, clean, one owner, truck, says “white lightening!” As I was dumbstruck, I kicked some dust, and headed for a cold one. Upon walking away, and giving old white a friendly hi sign, I remembered the saying…“ashes to ashes, and dust to dust, if you would have stuck with a Peterbilt, you would still be with us.”

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Thanks @SKIdaho!

I needed that laugh!

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Everyone likes a little George Jones, even if they don’t know it yet!

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Brings back memories!!!

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Hear, hear!

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I was going to jack the recent thread regarding the sneaky pete holster…but decided a little story here would be a better choice…

I remember the days of a tool to remove a rear main seal? Cal Van or KD tools called it a sneaky pete! When I was in the parts biz years ago, I had a lady ask for a rear main puller for her husband. Husbands always sent wives to the parts store. Anyways, I handed her the rear main removal tool called a sneaky pete, she laugh so hard i thought she was going to pass out…I will never forget. LOL LOL

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This is a story my wife found. I don’t know if it’s true. I was talking to my wife about tasers and she told me I needed to read this first. Doooooo funny

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad… I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

rotflmao…

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Thats a great story!!! LMAO…

My mrs has one of those…I have wondered what would happen if I experimented on myself. Thanks for the story, I will refrain from self infliction.

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:rofl::rofl: I’m glad to have been of service.

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True story ! We live in a very safe gated and fenced retirement community with little or no crime in central Florida. The adjacent community however is huge with no age requirement and has lots more reported crime ! When 2 armed felons did a home invasion there and tried to escape the cops, the 2 guys climbed the fence into our subdivision. They were caught on our golf course. It was then I decided to get back into guns( It had been years). Got CCW and train weekly.
I have the house fitted out with glass breakage/vibration alarms and motion sensor spotlights. I usually put the laser equipped 380 where I can easily reach it while we watch TV at night and then on the nightstand at bedtime. Last night I forgot to bring it into the great room and we settled back into our Lazy Boy recliners. About 9 pm there was a thumping on the sliding glass doors that are about 3 feet away and the security lights went on. I kind of freaked out, grabbed the TV remote instead of the Lazy Boy controller and ended up half jumping/crashing out of the chair. I pulled the blinds aside slightly and about a foot away from the glass stood a very short male wearing a black mask peering in ! OK, it was only a raccoon, lol, but I thought "why the hell did I get complacent and not bring the 380 out to it’s usual spot and why did I not have my extremely bright strobe flashlight there also and why did I just peer out right against the door? It was funny at the time, but I will be better prepared next time. By the way racoons are ok with me, lol !

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I’ve never tried one, how do you normally cook it?

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Actually, I did try it once when we lived in PA. It’s kind of tough, like squirrel, needs tenderizing. My friend kind of simmered quarters of it with root veggies. Hate to kill them, they are interesting to observe, although they are opportunists, always looking for easy food !

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Having difficulty getting any of my liberal anti 2nd amendment friends over for a chess game ! Oh well !

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You’ve got a powerful queen on both sides of the board. :nerd_face:

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