a bit of humor for today

[leo23]

A young married couple are buying their first house together and the mortgage broker has offered them mutual life insurance polices.

What’s this, says the wife.

Husband: oh it’s nothing really, we pay twenty quid a month and if one of us dies for whatever reason then the mortgage gets paid off in full. It’s quite a common policy.

Wife: so if I die you get the house mortgage free?

Husband: yes, and of course vice versa, if I die you get it mortgage free.

Wife, never mind that, if I die, you get the house. and then what, would you re-marry?

Husband: well that’s very hypothetical question, but I’m still a young man so I guess so.

Wife would you move your new bride into our house?

Husband: well it would be fully paid off, and it’s a very nice house, so that would seem sensible.

Wife (through gritted teeth): Would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?

Husband: well it is an orthopaedic mattress and you know I have a bad back, so yes definitely.

Wife (now getting visibly angry): would you let her drive my car?

Husband: well I suppose so, otherwise it would just be sat there on the drive doing nothing.

Wife (now absolutely furious) : Huhh, I suppose you would also let her use my golf clubs?

Husband: Certainly not! She’s left handed.

[Don102]

“BANG!” this idiot was not meant to be married (too open) and now he’s dead.

[Jeffrey314]

And she gets the house.

[leo23]

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when … I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp… I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope…to sort of even the odds!!
An Educated Farmer.

[Don102]

Oh my God… Mouth agape

Editors note: I knew that wasn’t you doing this because you are
far too practical for such a misadventure to go unarmed into anything.
And the fact that there wasn’t any mention of your 6x6 Armored Wheelchair!.
(Good writing though Plus Plus!)

[Robert1246]

Deer are dicks.

[leo23]

[Robert1246]

It must have been hysterical.

[Gary_H]

Dad jokes …

The orthodontic group I see is in a 2 story building. A 30’s looking young man staring at his phone got on the elevator with me. I asked him “which floor?” Not looking up from his phone he said “second”. I said “oh good, that’s the one I’m going to”. He finally looked up at the elevator buttons and slowly grinned. He said “Yeah, I like Dad jokes.”

My wife keeps telling me I do too many things like this that make me appear old to everyone around me. I don’t really care

[Don102]

[leo23]

Gain of Fauci

[Robert1246]

Good thing Mike Hunt was on that flight.

[deranged]

I remember saying to my wife “She’s actually reading this on the news!”

[Robert1246]

The look on her face is priceless.

[leo23]

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:

Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

• Subtle hints do not work!

• Strong hints do not work!

• Obvious hints do not work!

• JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

2. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

3. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

4. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

5. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

6. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

7. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

10. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

11. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

12. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

13. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

14. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

15. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

• Sex,

• Sport,

• Cars,

• or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

2. You have too many shoes.

3. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

4. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

[Clifford32]

This sounds like a Patrick F McManus story.
Very funny!

[leo23]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin-engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communication was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday Mayday Mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday Mayday Mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone and said, “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The pee from my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[Don102]

Oh sh!t ! I almost couldn’t read this to my Sister!
Priceless! Thanks Brother! WPHEW!

[leo23]

if a woman is always right, and a man is always wrong. if the man says that a woman is right, is the man wrong?

[Don102]

Oh…sh!t… YUP!

‘Get him outta there will you Boyz?’