Story about tasers

I was thinking about getting a taser for my wife. As we talked about it. She said " I want you to read something".
She sent me this story, I do not know if it is true. But it is funny as all get out.

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safetyā€¦??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it homeā€¦ I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, Iā€™d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnā€™t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while Iā€™m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ā€˜no possible way!ā€™

What happened next is almost beyond description, but Iā€™ll do my best.

Iā€™m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, ā€˜Donā€™t do it stupid,ā€™ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldnā€™t hurt all that badā€¦ I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, andā€¦

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THEā€¦ !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!

Iā€™m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to ā€˜mugā€™ yourself with a Taser,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I canā€™t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

Ā· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

Ā· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

Ā· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

Ā· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Ā· I had no control over the drooling.

Ā· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

Ā· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

Iā€™m still looking for my testicles and Iā€™m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife canā€™t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

rotflmaoā€¦

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Holy smokes brother I almost pissed myself reading this. Halfway through I knew this guy was going to zap himself because he really wanted to see if it worked. :joy::joy::joy:

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I had a headache after I got done reading itā€¦ so funny.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: I am glad he didnā€™t zap the cat (trusting little soul) :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

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I am sure my co-workers are curious about what I am reading from the sounds of me laughing hysterically coming from my office. I might be forced to share this story at some pointā€¦

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Thanks a lot! My family must think Iā€™m a lunatic seeing me laugh with tears in my eyes.

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OMG, you had me at the one second burst! I still canā€™t see straight. :zap::zap::zap::zap::zap::zap::zap::zap::zap:

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:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: it is great I wish I knew how to invite people to read this. Everyone must see thisā€¦ So funny

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@Justin47 - copy the link in the address bar and paste it into whatever messaging medium you prefer.

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@Justin47 Thank you for sharing that gem! :rofl:

I once sprayed some Sabre Red Pepper Gel into a sink and put my head in to sniff it. Worst 30 minutes of my lifeā€¦ and I didnā€™t have any on me, I simply sniffed it! Not going to also make the same mistake by tasing myself.

You take my word for it, Iā€™ll take yours. :+1:

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@Justin47 I think you can cut and paste it and put it as a Miscellaneous Topic/New Topic and title it Funny Story.

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Check out (Humorous Stories to Lighten the Moment). Under Fun and Humorous. :+1:

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@TexasEskimo I once sprayed some Sabre Red Pepper Gel into a sink and put my head in to sniff it.

As the cat cocked his head to the side thinking ā€œdonā€™t do it stupidā€.

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@Justin47. Hey buddy, Can you do that again and this time, have your wife, video it.
Iā€™ll tell you, that was so funny, maybe not to you at the time. You had me laughing so and tears running down my eyes. :joy: :joy: :joy: :rofl:

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I didnā€™t do it @Cobra. That was a story my wife found on facechat, tweeterbook or maybe it was insta something. I donā€™t remember. I said at the top it wasnā€™t me. I am sure Iā€™m not dumb enough to try thatā€¦ Pretty sure anyway.:exploding_head:

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@Justin47.

Oh ok sorry, but still it was funny as hell, thanks for sharing it with us. :rofl: :joy:

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Yes it was funny as all get out.

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