One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’
The blonde said it was hers.
‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She’s cool ‘cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’
The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’
‘No way,’ said the blonde.
'My clog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ‘cause I fed her this morning.’
The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’
A worried and distraught lady walks into a pet store and tells the storekeeper that she has a problem. She owned two parrots which could speak and whenever anyone passed them they would say, “Hey, we’re prostitutes. Want some fun?”. Needless to say, they had been causing her a lot of embarrassment.
A church priest present in the store overhears the lady. He steps up to her and says the he too owned two parrots and had taught them to read the Bible and pray. Confident that his birds could reform those of the lady’s, he offers to keep them together for some time. The lady agrees.
Later in the day, the lady leaves her parrots at the church priests’ home, and he introduces them to his own. The priest’s parrots are busy praying, when the lady’s birds shout out, “Hey, we’re prostitutes. Want some fun?”.
The priest’s parrots stop their prayers and look at each other. One of them says to the other, “That’s it, our prayers have been answered”.
LMAO !! 
Airline Announcements:
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings… If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. ’
‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo … Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’
‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways…’
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke ‘em.’
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
Sounds good to me, I like heavy stouts. Eh, it’s only 8%, not likely very heavy - “Only real knock is that it’s strikingly thin for the style”.