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I hope these New Year’s jokes make you smile. Sorry if they don’t. Peace:relieved:
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- What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
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- What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve? Chill out.
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- Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
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- What do New Year’s Day parades have in common with Santa Claus? No one is awake to see either of them.
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- My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week
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- Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve? To ring in the New Year.
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- My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolution.
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- What did the little champagne bottle call his father? Pop!
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- What’s a cow’s favorite holiday? Moo Year’s Eve.
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- Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punch line.
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- What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve? Hogs and kisses.
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- An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
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- What did the ghost say on Jan. 1? Happy Boo Year!
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- I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
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- What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social security.
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- What’s a digital camera’s New Year’s resolution? 1080p.
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- This New Year’s, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
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- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby New Year.
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- Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
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- Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer? To start off the New Year in a cool way.
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- What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year.
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- This New Year’s, I’ve resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
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- What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!
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- Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!
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- What does a caterpillar do on Jan. 1? Turns over a new leaf.
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- What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.
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- What happened to the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months!
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- What food should you avoid on New Year’s? Firecrackers.
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- Why should you stand on just your left foot during the New Year’s Eve countdown? So you start the New Year on the right foot.
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- Where can you practice multiplication tables on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
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- I made a New Year’s resolution to stop procrastinating, but I’m going to wait until next year to start.
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- Why are there so many vampires out on New Year’s Eve? For Old Fangs Time.
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- A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”
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Red Apple = Kill Bill
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