A man was cleaning out his freezer and found an old frozen turkey. Looking at the date on the label, he realized he bought it 30 years ago, but forgot about it.
So he decided to call the food company that produced the turkey. He asked an employee, “Is it still safe to eat?"
The company employee said, "After 30 years? I’m not sure. I’ll consult with our food scientists.”
After being on hold for several hours, the man finally heard back from the employee.
“So…if the turkey stayed frozen continuously for the entire 30 years,” the employee told the man, “then it would still be edible. It would be dry and taste horrible, but it WOULD still be edible.”
The man replied, “Good! Then I’ve got a perfect gift for my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving!"
A group of tourists were walking through a dusty little town when one of the group realised that his watch was lost. He saw a very old arab was sitting on the kerb side with his camel. He told his group he was just going over to get the time off him.
When he asked the old man the time, the old man reached out, lifted the camels balls up in the palm of his hands, gently let them hang down again ,then said ‘the time is 2.15pm.’ The young guy staggered back in a surprised manor, jaw dropped then told his team what he did. Of course, this had to be proved. They went back to the old man, asked the time, the old man did as he did earlier. ’the time is 2.25pm. One of the group asked how he could do that. The old man told him he had to lift the camels balls because he could’nt see the Town Hall Clock.
My ass doesn’t write checks my brain can’t cash often ; but when it does
Oh wait ; that’s when she writes the checks.
** OH YAAAAAA
Ever since this freezing blizzard set in my mother in law has done nothing but stare through the window.
I’m seriously considering letting her in.
A blond high school student sat beside the football field as the team was practicing. Her friend came up to her and said, “See that hunky player over there? He agreed to go to the dance with me!”
The blond said, “I’m so jealous! How did you do that?”
“I went and got myself a 
QUARTERBACK!” said her friend melodiously. “And if you want, you can too! See that other hunk over there? He’s the backup! But practice is ending and he’s heading into the cafeteria now, so you’d better hurry!”
So the blond ran into the cafeteria. Soon after, she came back out with a huge smile on her face.
Her friend asked, “Did he agreed to go to the dance with you?”
The blond said, “No, I didn’t see him, but he will!”
“Why is that?"
The blond said, “Because I went to the vending machine and put in a dollar for an item that cost 75 cents. And just like you, I went and got myself a QUARTERBACK!”
“Keep your words soft and sweet 'cause you never know which ones you’ll have to eat.” - Old adage.