I don’t know much about righting a raft, but a sailboat you would stand on the keel, grab the side and lean hard backwards. They have a lot of potaotes, maybe they could use them, too, to add more force. 
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LYNCHBURG, VA — This week’s championship 4x200-meter relay event ended in disaster when a runner accidentally, tripped, punched, and attacked her rival with a sword.
The incident took place on the final turn, as Alaina Engle seemingly assaulted fellow athlete Kaelyn Taylor as she pulled even with her. Engle said following the race that it was unintentional.
“It was just an accident. I probably shouldn’t have been running with a sword that day,” Engle said. “Now everyone’s mad at me and they think I did it on purpose just because I brought a sword to a relay race.”
Engle claimed her hand slipped, leading her to involuntarily trip Taylor, strike her multiple times with her fist, and hack away at her with her sword.
The crowd of spectators was too stunned to intervene, wondering where a runner had gotten a sword from anyway. Engle was quick to apologize for the accident and attempted to explain how it happened.
“This kind of thing just happens sometimes in sports,” Engle explained in a tearful interview following the incident. “We were both vying for position. I accidentally thrust my leg in front of her feet and unintentionally unleashed several blows to her face with my fists before I lost my balance and fell onto her with my sword. It’s not fair for people to judge me because of this one incident.”
At publishing time, the school said it was looking into a report that Engle had accidentally given a reporter a German suplex and smashed his face in with a steel chair.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The Trump Administration agenda was stopped in its tracks this week after a federal judge appointed himself the new President of the United States.
“There’s nothing we can do,” said legal experts. “He’s a federal judge.”
Sources confirmed that Judge Mortimer Dithers of the Northern District of California granted himself all the powers of the executive branch in an emergency move to stop Trump. “Last night, the Constitution appeared to me in a dream and told me to do this,” said Judge Dithers. “You can’t argue with that. Also, my word is on this is law because I’m a federal judge.”
President Judge Dithers has already issued several executive actions, including orders for Tesla to stop making cars, Elon Musk to punch himself in the face, and Trump to not move his head next time someone shoots at him. “This is the bidding of your new leader,” said Judge Dithers. “So let it be done, by the order of your new Federal Judge President.”
Trump later responded to the ruling on Truth Social by accusing the judge of “looking like a potato.”
At publishing time, Judge Dithers had been unseated as President by a higher court judge who declared himself President instead.
BOOM! There it is! The Bee nails it! Judges can’t over rule the Commander-In-Chief!’ PERIOD!
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After decades in darkness, the Trump administration brought to light yesterday the “JFK Files”, 80,000 pages of documents pertaining to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. After combing through the evidence long into the night, the Bee has uncovered the following seven shocking revelations:
- Bert and Ernie really were just roommates: Didn’t see that coming.
- NFL refs really do cheat for the Kansas City Chiefs: We knew it.
- When the CIA was asked if they arranged JFK’s assassination, they said “nope”: Mind blown. Well, not literally.
- Captain Crunch is actually Commander Crunch, as his uniform does not have the 4 stripes granted to captains: This changes everything.
- A woodchuck could chuck 14 ounces of wood, provided it could chuck wood: They left no stone unturned.
- Fidel Castro fathered a son out of wedlock named Justin, whose whereabouts remain unknown to this day: Some mysteries remain.
- JFK is actually still alive and going by the name “Joe Biden”: It all makes sense now.
Bombshell after bombshell!
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has graciously agreed to France’s request to return the Statue of Liberty, asking only in return for all of the land in France that America liberated in World War II.
“It’s a fantastic deal,” said Trump. “You can have your little statue back, and we’ll just take whatever parts of France that we had to save for you. France can keep every square inch of land that you French didn’t surrender to the Nazis. It’s very generous, really a tremendous deal.”
French politicians have responded to Trump’s offer with outrage, saying that the terms would leave them without any land whatsoever. “That is so not fair,” said French President Emmanuel Macron. “We tried really hard to not need America to rescue us. We fought for, like, a few weeks before totally surrendering. Give us a break.”
Trump has adamantly stated he will not change the terms of the offer. “We could really make France into something nice,” said Trump. “I never liked that statue much anyway, Lady Liberty, lots of people did, but not me. She wasn’t my type. Very manly looking, with the robe and the crown, it’s a very pointy crown, and her jaws - whoa! Have you ever seen a jaw that square on a woman?”
At publishing time, Trump had promised to turn the hellhole known as France into the “Riviera of Europe.”
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I’m certain Ms. Dank Demoss would be glad to help set the Emerald Isle back to its proper configuration.
Yes that is a true story.
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Nothing beats great Chinese food, but how can you tell if the restaurant you just walked into is legit? Here are nine things to look for:
- Name of restaurant is something clever like “CHINESE FOOD”: Off to a promising start.
- Door has a bell on it to alert cashier two feet away that someone has entered: Standard operation.
- There are giant pictures of the menu options on the wall: Also, the pictures look horrible.
- Cashier takes break from her calculus homework to take your order: And she’s five years old.
- You know your food will be tasty and happy and goody because all those words are in the combo names: This is gonna be amazing.
- It has one of those lucky waving cat statues: Never eat Chinese food from a place without a waving cat statue. Trust us.
- The two-page menu contains 900 different selections: Always tough to choose.
- The plural of noodle is noodle: And “steamed rice” is always written “steam rice.”
- Your order of six combo plates and four sides of pot stickers came to $2.99: The cheaper, the better. It’s science.
Find these signs and you know you’ll be in for a culinary delight.
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No, actually literally - JFK’s.
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If it doesn’t, the cat is likely on the menu, disguised as “tasty”, “tender” chicken.
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Ya know in China they just call it Food! Food for thought… or is that phood?
(and they all eat McDonald’s)
There are NO stray cats anywhere within (10) blocks
That (5) year old behind the counter was just accepted to ‘MIT’.
They also have the BLACK CAT clock w/ the eyes and tail that moves in sync
Don’t ask them to say ‘Fry/Fried’ that’s just cruel! ‘FWIED!’ AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Have another ‘Egg Roll’ it’s all goody!
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Tasts like CHICKEN!—heard it fwom a fwiend.
(I’m NOT a racist! ! 
)
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Proponents of eliminating the federal income tax rejoiced today as Elon Musk cleverly disguised the Internal Revenue Service headquarters as a Tesla dealership so Democrats would burn it down.
The billionaire inventor and entrepreneur hatched the genius plan to cover the main IRS building with Tesla emblems and signage, which goaded angry Democrats to launch a large-scale firebomb attack against the building.
“This’ll show Musk who’s boss! Burn it to the ground!” one enraged leftist reportedly shouted before throwing a Molotov cocktail through a window of the IRS building. “This looks different from any other Tesla dealership I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like a really old government building. Oh well. It’s all got to go. Everything he owns must be destroyed.”
When reached for comment, Musk was quietly pleased that his plan had worked. “It was quite a simple idea, really,” he said. “If Democrats are trying to burn down anything belonging to me, why not redirect that anger in a useful way to burn down something that should be demolished? For the cost of a few Tesla signs, we’ve now freed the American people from the terrible burden of excessive taxation. Ironically, once the rubble of the IRS building is cleared, we will, in fact, build an enormous new Tesla dealership in its place.”
At publishing time, reports had circulated that the U.S. Capitol would be next to be disguised as a Tesla dealership in a plot to round up and imprison Democrats for attempting a violent insurrection.
This is why I LOVE da BEE! Priceless!
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk was quick to apologize Monday for DOGE mistakenly laying off the one government employee whose job it was to prevent journalist Jeffrey Goldberg from being in war strategy group chats.
“Well, look, we move fast and break things and see what works and what doesn’t,” Musk said. “And one of the things that worked was having someone around to make sure Jeffrey Goldberg didn’t accidentally get invited into a group chat where we discuss bombing Yemen.”
The employee responsible for that important job was White House Communications Intern Ellie Stromberg, a young employee who understands how group chats work. She was let go after it came to light that she only had one job duty, but that job duty ended up being very important.
“Jeffrey Goldberg is always trying to worm his way into group chats. We should’ve been better prepared,” Vice President JD Vance said of the debacle. “Now he knows we’re going to bomb — wait, haha. You almost got me!”
Stromberg has reportedly been reinstated with full back pay. She’s also been given a government car and full secret service protection given that keeping Goldberg out of group chats is a 24/7 job.
She said of her prestigious position, “I’m grateful to have my job back. No one else at the White House understands text messages like I do. I’m the only human that can do it.”
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