LYNCHBURG, VA — This week’s championship 4x200-meter relay event ended in disaster when a runner accidentally, tripped, punched, and attacked her rival with a sword.
The incident took place on the final turn, as Alaina Engle seemingly assaulted fellow athlete Kaelyn Taylor as she pulled even with her. Engle said following the race that it was unintentional.
“It was just an accident. I probably shouldn’t have been running with a sword that day,” Engle said. “Now everyone’s mad at me and they think I did it on purpose just because I brought a sword to a relay race.”
Engle claimed her hand slipped, leading her to involuntarily trip Taylor, strike her multiple times with her fist, and hack away at her with her sword.
The crowd of spectators was too stunned to intervene, wondering where a runner had gotten a sword from anyway. Engle was quick to apologize for the accident and attempted to explain how it happened.
“This kind of thing just happens sometimes in sports,” Engle explained in a tearful interview following the incident. “We were both vying for position. I accidentally thrust my leg in front of her feet and unintentionally unleashed several blows to her face with my fists before I lost my balance and fell onto her with my sword. It’s not fair for people to judge me because of this one incident.”
At publishing time, the school said it was looking into a report that Engle had accidentally given a reporter a German suplex and smashed his face in with a steel chair.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The Trump Administration agenda was stopped in its tracks this week after a federal judge appointed himself the new President of the United States.
“There’s nothing we can do,” said legal experts. “He’s a federal judge.”
Sources confirmed that Judge Mortimer Dithers of the Northern District of California granted himself all the powers of the executive branch in an emergency move to stop Trump. “Last night, the Constitution appeared to me in a dream and told me to do this,” said Judge Dithers. “You can’t argue with that. Also, my word is on this is law because I’m a federal judge.”
President Judge Dithers has already issued several executive actions, including orders for Tesla to stop making cars, Elon Musk to punch himself in the face, and Trump to not move his head next time someone shoots at him. “This is the bidding of your new leader,” said Judge Dithers. “So let it be done, by the order of your new Federal Judge President.”
Trump later responded to the ruling on Truth Social by accusing the judge of “looking like a potato.”
At publishing time, Judge Dithers had been unseated as President by a higher court judge who declared himself President instead.
BOOM! There it is! The Bee nails it! Judges can’t over rule the Commander-In-Chief!’ PERIOD!
After decades in darkness, the Trump administration brought to light yesterday the “JFK Files”, 80,000 pages of documents pertaining to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. After combing through the evidence long into the night, the Bee has uncovered the following seven shocking revelations:
Bert and Ernie really were just roommates: Didn’t see that coming.
NFL refs really do cheat for the Kansas City Chiefs: We knew it.
When the CIA was asked if they arranged JFK’s assassination, they said “nope”: Mind blown. Well, not literally.
Captain Crunch is actually Commander Crunch, as his uniform does not have the 4 stripes granted to captains: This changes everything.
A woodchuck could chuck 14 ounces of wood, provided it could chuck wood: They left no stone unturned.
Fidel Castro fathered a son out of wedlock named Justin, whose whereabouts remain unknown to this day: Some mysteries remain.
JFK is actually still alive and going by the name “Joe Biden”: It all makes sense now.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has graciously agreed to France’s request to return the Statue of Liberty, asking only in return for all of the land in France that America liberated in World War II.
“It’s a fantastic deal,” said Trump. “You can have your little statue back, and we’ll just take whatever parts of France that we had to save for you. France can keep every square inch of land that you French didn’t surrender to the Nazis. It’s very generous, really a tremendous deal.”
French politicians have responded to Trump’s offer with outrage, saying that the terms would leave them without any land whatsoever. “That is so not fair,” said French President Emmanuel Macron. “We tried really hard to not need America to rescue us. We fought for, like, a few weeks before totally surrendering. Give us a break.”
Trump has adamantly stated he will not change the terms of the offer. “We could really make France into something nice,” said Trump. “I never liked that statue much anyway, Lady Liberty, lots of people did, but not me. She wasn’t my type. Very manly looking, with the robe and the crown, it’s a very pointy crown, and her jaws - whoa! Have you ever seen a jaw that square on a woman?”
At publishing time, Trump had promised to turn the hellhole known as France into the “Riviera of Europe.”
Ya know in China they just call it Food! Food for thought… or is that phood?
(and they all eat McDonald’s)
There are NO stray cats anywhere within (10) blocks
That (5) year old behind the counter was just accepted to ‘MIT’.
They also have the BLACK CAT clock w/ the eyes and tail that moves in sync
Don’t ask them to say ‘Fry/Fried’ that’s just cruel! ‘FWIED!’ AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Have another ‘Egg Roll’ it’s all goody!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Proponents of eliminating the federal income tax rejoiced today as Elon Musk cleverly disguised the Internal Revenue Service headquarters as a Tesla dealership so Democrats would burn it down.
The billionaire inventor and entrepreneur hatched the genius plan to cover the main IRS building with Tesla emblems and signage, which goaded angry Democrats to launch a large-scale firebomb attack against the building.
“This’ll show Musk who’s boss! Burn it to the ground!” one enraged leftist reportedly shouted before throwing a Molotov cocktail through a window of the IRS building. “This looks different from any other Tesla dealership I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like a really old government building. Oh well. It’s all got to go. Everything he owns must be destroyed.”
When reached for comment, Musk was quietly pleased that his plan had worked. “It was quite a simple idea, really,” he said. “If Democrats are trying to burn down anything belonging to me, why not redirect that anger in a useful way to burn down something that should be demolished? For the cost of a few Tesla signs, we’ve now freed the American people from the terrible burden of excessive taxation. Ironically, once the rubble of the IRS building is cleared, we will, in fact, build an enormous new Tesla dealership in its place.”
At publishing time, reports had circulated that the U.S. Capitol would be next to be disguised as a Tesla dealership in a plot to round up and imprison Democrats for attempting a violent insurrection.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk was quick to apologize Monday for DOGE mistakenly laying off the one government employee whose job it was to prevent journalist Jeffrey Goldberg from being in war strategy group chats.
“Well, look, we move fast and break things and see what works and what doesn’t,” Musk said. “And one of the things that worked was having someone around to make sure Jeffrey Goldberg didn’t accidentally get invited into a group chat where we discuss bombing Yemen.”
The employee responsible for that important job was White House Communications Intern Ellie Stromberg, a young employee who understands how group chats work. She was let go after it came to light that she only had one job duty, but that job duty ended up being very important.
“Jeffrey Goldberg is always trying to worm his way into group chats. We should’ve been better prepared,” Vice President JD Vance said of the debacle. “Now he knows we’re going to bomb — wait, haha. You almost got me!”
Stromberg has reportedly been reinstated with full back pay. She’s also been given a government car and full secret service protection given that keeping Goldberg out of group chats is a 24/7 job.
She said of her prestigious position, “I’m grateful to have my job back. No one else at the White House understands text messages like I do. I’m the only human that can do it.”
As the leader of the free world, President Donald J. Trump is a role model for all Americans. From his trademark hairstyle to his flawlessly orange complexion, everyone wants to look like him. But how can you do it?
The Babylon Bee is here to provide the following list of tips to get that Trump orange hue just right:
Just stick your head in the oven each day for a few minutes under the broiler: Be careful not to overcook.
Add just one radioactive carrot to your daily diet: With just a few carrots and some plutonium, you too can achieve glory.
Get bitten by a radioactive Trump: You may also exhibit other strange powers like growing enormous hands and attracting supermodels.
Become severely jaundiced from liver disease before getting sunburned: The yellow and red will mix for the perfect orange.
Find the Black Pearl and ask Captain Jack Sparrow to take you to the Fountain of Youth: The secret is out.
Become a real estate mogul, cameo in The Little Rascals and Home Alone 2, launch a popular reality TV show, switch to the Republican Party, run for president, win, then lose, then get shot, then win again: It’s a very simple, straightforward plan.
You can’t, so don’t even try. You’re just a mere mortal and setting yourself up for disappointment: There can be only one.
Many have tried, but few have succeeded. Follow the list of tips above to give it your best shot. Have other ideas?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced this week that he was leaving office in order to take an even more powerful position as a U.S. District Court judge.
After ascending to the presidency twice in the last decade, Trump set his sights on the next rung up the political ladder, with a spot in the federal judiciary proving him with far more authority to rule the nation.
“I love being president. I’m great at it. The best our country has ever had, many people say,” Trump told the press. “But after seeing how much power those U.S. District Court judges have, I’ve decided to resign the presidency and join the judiciary. They seem to really be able to do anything they want.”
Trump announced the move after a series of sweeping rulings from judges over the last several weeks, which greatly limited the breadth of the executive branch’s powers. Trump said he’s been eyeing the move for a while and thinks he’d be a great fit as he’s already well-versed in the legal system.
“After going through all that stuff with the corrupt courts in New York, I think I have a pretty good handle on how things work,” Trump said. “There can’t be that much to it. Just bang the wooden hammer thing and create your own rules and laws all the time. Some are saying I’m going to be the best District Court judge that ever lived. I didn’t say it, but some have.”
At publishing time, Trump decided he might also try his hand at running for Congress for when he needs to have a break and take a much-needed rest from doing any work.
NUUK — Vice President JD Vance was met with a cold reception early Friday when he arrived in Greenland to find a grand army furiously making snowballs to defend against an invasion from the United States.
Amid rising tensions, the vice president had to scale back his initial plans to visit the towns of Nuuk and Sisimiut, instead spending all his time at Pituffik Space Base, where he connected with soldiers on the ground to learn the true nature of Greenland’s growing war machine.
“We’ve seen them throwing snowballs at snowmen for snow target practice,” reported 821st Air Base Group Commander Mark Redding. “It’s a very bold show of force. We can’t match their snowball technique.”
According to intelligence reports, Danish Armed Forces at the Joint Arctic Command oversaw the recruitment of Greenlander natives to mass-produce as many snowballs as they could, with current estimates placing their snowball supply in the millions.
“We will fight to the very last man!” said Commander Inuk Jensen. “We’re even hiding rocks in some of these snow balls. So… you know… watch out!”
According to historians, this level of saber-rattling among the citizens of Greenland had not been seen since the uprising of 1814, when a militia of brave fishermen constructed fish catapults to rebel against Norwegian rule. “Few peoples can match the ferocity of Greenlanders,” said historian Ingrid Bengtsson. “Any hostile force will be met with swift retaliation. Most of it being snow and fish-related.”
At publishing time, World War III was officially declared after Vice President Vance was ambushed and pelted with a dozen snowballs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Administration staffers were caught off guard by a painfully awkward situation today as former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg returned to the White House from his maternity leave.
Buttigieg had gone on an extended break after his husband adopted twins in 2021, only returning this morning to find that the entire Biden administration had been replaced and his job given to someone else.
“Wow, was I really gone that long?” a confused Buttigieg reportedly asked upon entering the White House. “I know I asked to have my maternity leave extended a bit, but wow! I didn’t think I was away that long. There’s a new president? Really?”
Buttigieg was later met by the Trump administration’s communications team, which escorted him through the White House while attempting to explain to him that several years had passed while he was on leave.
“A lot has happened,” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said. “Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race. Kamala took his place. Trump won in a landslide last November, and you’ve been replaced as Secretary of Transportation by Sean Duffy. Aren’t the kids you adopted like four years old now?”
At that point, witnesses said a flustered Buttigieg appeared to take a phone call before claiming that he had suddenly adopted another baby, and he had to go on leave again.
U.S. — A film legend was memorialized today as the nation’s men announced plans to honor Val Kilmer by quoting Tombstone all day long, just like they always do.
With the news of Kilmer’s death breaking late last night, American men collectively banded together to pay tribute to the late performer by doing the same thing they do every other day — communicating almost exclusively through Tombstone quotes.
“Skin that smoke wagon and see what happens,” said mourning Kilmer fan Michael Garrison. “Yeah, we’re all really heartbroken about the loss of Val. We wanted to do something special to pay our respects. We decided the best thing to do was quote Tombstone all day long, just like we do every day. You’re a daisy if ya do!”
Other Kilmer fans agreed with the sentiment. “I’ve got two guns… one for each of ya,” said Mark Talbot. “It’s a shame to hear about Val Kilmer passing away. He gave the world the greatest gift he could possibly give — his performance as Doc Holliday in Tombstone. It’s our responsibility… our duty… to honor him by doing the same thing we do every day of our lives. Thank you, Val. Rest well, sir. We are all… your huckleberry.”
At publishing time, the nation’s wives issued a collective press release asking their husbands to stop responding to every question with “Say when.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump awoke this morning with a giddy schoolboy’s excitement, knowing that the Tariff Fairy promises that she will magically leave new manufacturing jobs under the pillow of any good little president who raises tariffs on all the other countries.
Trump awoke in the presidential bedroom as the sun rays began to glisten through the window. A bird sang its morning song outside, announcing the arrival of the dawn as the president excitedly lept out of bed to see what the Tariff Fairy had left for him.
“Oh boy, this is going to be good,” beamed Trump after getting a full night’s sleep on his extra fill premium MyPillow with the Giza pillowcase. “Everyone is going to say I’m the best president when they see all these jobs. Good jobs. Good paying jobs. Not those jobs like they have in China with the suicide nets.”
But, alas, when Trump checked under his MyPillow, he didn’t find any new manufacturing jobs from the Tariff Fairy.
“I don’t understand. I was a good president,” Trump was heard saying in the quiet morning hours. “Not like Crooked Joe Biden. I raised tariffs on China 34%, those ungrateful Europeans got 20%, and Vietnam got 46%. Maybe the Tariff Fairy forgot? What a bum. Worst fairy of all time.”
At publishing time, President Trump was seen writing a full letter to the Tariff Fairy, at the suggestion of White House aides, informing her that breaking a business deal with Trump was a “low IQ move” that would result in reciprocal tariffs placed on the Tariff Fairy.
Watching your retirement account tumble as $10 trillion in market value evaporates can be a stressful experience. Here are seven facts to make you feel at ease as you watch the stock market plunge:
You now have less money to worry about losing: Less money, less problems.
Jim Cramer just said it can’t get any worse: Phew!
You are learning to be content in all circumstances, just like the Apostle Paul: Good for you.
The baseball cards your wife tried to throw out are now your most valuable investment: Boy, does she feel silly.
There are lots of politicians angrily screaming about it on TV: History has taught us this is usually a good sign.
If you hold the chart upside-down, the numbers don’t look so bad: It’s all about perspective.
If the tariffs work, soon Chinese finger traps will be American finger traps: It’s a small price to pay.
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