babylon bee is more truth than fiction

[leo23]

Are you a little sad that Canada won that hockey game the other night? Well, cheer up, friend: here are 21 things that America is way better at than our little brother up north:

1. Being warm: They are so bad at this.
2. Not electing women: Our track record is outstanding.
3. Overthrowing tyrannical governments: It’s sort of our thing.
4. College football: It’s embarrassing how much better we are.
5. Getting a tan: Do better, Canada.
6. Punching Canadians before hockey games: Admittedly we’re new at this, but we’re already better.
7. Garnering some sort of respect from other countries: Maybe don’t put your police in furry red coats.
8. Remembering the Alamo: It’s not even close.
9. Not killing off old, sick people: We are so much better at not smothering sick people with a pillow.
10. Rap music: Who’s your best rapper, Avril Lavigne?
11. Being nice to straight-shooting psychologists who talk like Kermit the Frog: He’s with us now.
12. Cooking tacos: Absolute superiority.
13. Not speaking French: America is dominant at not speaking other languages.
14. Eating hot dogs: Not a single Canuck out there who can wolf down 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Sad!
15. Saying the word “about”: Y’all are so bad at this.
16. Having homes that aren’t made out of ice: We are incredible at not living in igloos.
17. Owning guns: Don’t mess with the champs.
18. Drinking maple syrup: Super Troopers is proof.
19. Having states instead of dumb provinces that no one knows: No one cares, Canada.
20. Beating up commies: Honestly, you should try it.
21. Hockey: We still won the aggregate 5-4. You silly Canucks.

See there, don’t you feel better?

[leo23]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s new golden age came screeching to an unexpected halt today, as news broke that President Donald Trump had been fired for forgetting to reply to Elon Musk’s email.

Trump reportedly missed the deadline to respond to the email from the Department of Government Efficiency requiring all federal employees to list five things they worked on last week. Despite Trump accomplishing an impressive list of tasks, he failed to reply to the email.

“A rule is a rule,” Musk said when asked by reporters to comment on Trump’s abrupt departure. “He was the one who signed off on the idea. Any government employee who did not respond to the email with what they accomplished within the allotted time was to be terminated. Presidents are not immune. It’s unfortunate for his second term to come to an end this way, but we simply cannot afford to make any exceptions. The United States wishes Mr. Trump well in his future endeavors.”

President Trump, though disappointed, understood the decision. “We had a great run,” he said to reporters as he left the White House. “I thought for sure I had sent the email, but I apparently left it open on my phone without hitting ‘send,’ do you believe it? A killer. What a killer. My son distracted me with a meme, unfortunately. It was a meme. A pretty good one, but not great. And now we’re fired. How do you like that? It’s sad.”

At publishing time, Trump had called Vice President JD Vance “Elon’s Pet” in a Truth Social post after learning Vance had replied to the email and kept his job.

[Don102]

Here you go Brother!
EPSTEIN’S CLIENT LIST ABOUT TO DROP – Top Politicians, Hollywood Elites & Wall Street Billionaires EXPOSED!

The storm is here. President Trump’s relentless legal warrior, Alina Habba, has sounded the alarm: The Epstein files are about to go public. The elite are trembling. The hidden names, the blackmail, the crimes they thought would stay buried—it’s all coming out. Washington is in panic mode.

For decades, the corrupt elite—the same ones who rigged elections, silenced dissent, and waged war against Trump—operated in the shadows. They blackmailed politicians, funded globalist agendas, and controlled the media. But now, judgment day is coming.

Habba’s Bombshell: Full Exposure Is Inevitable
Appearing on FXO and Friends, Habba laid it out:
“Transparency is coming. They’re panicking because they don’t want the world to know who visited Epstein’s island, who’s a pedo, and who still sits in DC.”

This isn’t just another scandal. This dwarfs Watergate. The very people calling Trump “dangerous” are about to be exposed as the real monsters.

Why They FEAR Trump: He Knows It ALL
The deep state’s obsession with destroying Trump? It’s simple:

Trump knows who was on Epstein’s Island.
He knows who was blackmailed.
He knows who controls the puppets in DC.
He knows where the bodies are buried.
With Pam Bondi now vowing to unleash the files, the corrupt elite are spiraling into chaos.

Epstein: The Cabal’s Secret Weapon
Epstein wasn’t just a predator—he was an intelligence asset. His island was a blackmail factory, targeting politicians, CEOs, and celebrities for control. Funded through shady NGOs, shell companies, and even government programs, his operation was bigger and darker than anyone knew.

And when Epstein became a liability? They silenced him.
Suicide? Not a chance.

But here’s the kicker—his blackmail files survived. And now, they’re about to surface.

The Deep State’s Next Moves: Chaos Incoming
The cabal won’t go down without a fight. Expect:

Massive media blackout – They’ll pretend nothing’s happening.
Disinformation storms – They’ll label the files “fake” or “politically motivated.”
False flags & distractions – Riots, financial crashes—anything to shift focus.
Mysterious deaths – Whistleblowers and insiders? They’ll start disappearing.
More attacks on Trump – Indictments, smear campaigns, and witch hunts.
But NOTHING will stop what’s coming.

The Deep State’s Worst Nightmare Has Begun
Trump has been preparing for this moment. The sealed indictments. The military tribunals. The takedown of the corrupt elite.

“The days of the government hiding from the people are over.”

The Epstein files are coming. The guilty will be named. Justice will be served.

Trump was right all along.
And now, the storm hits.

Join and share my channel immediately:

WikiLeaks Secrets

NOT THE BEE!

[leo23]

BOCA GRANDE, FL — Dan Crenshaw’s plan to hunt and kill conservative personality Tucker Carlson was foiled again when he tripped over his feet and ran into a pole. Authorities say this is because he has no depth perception on account of having only one eye.

The former Navy SEAL turned U.S. Representative infiltrated Gasparilla Island via amphibious assault in the early morning hours before dawn and quickly moved toward Carlson’s home with the intent of sneaking upon Carlson and snapping his neck. But then his mission failed when he tripped over his feet and slammed into a pole because he has only one eye and can’t see very well due to not having two of them.

“There’s a reason Navy SEALs have to have two eyes,” said former Navy SEAL commander Roy Bucklew. “What was Crenshaw thinking, going in for the kill with less than two eyes? What a silly goose.”

After stumbling over himself and crashing head-first into a pole, Crenshaw is said to have regained his composure briefly before stepping on a rake, which knocked him backward into a trash barrel that rolled down to a nearby dock and dumped him into the ocean where he was eaten by sharks, because he only has one eye and he looks like a pirate and has no depth perception.

“The sad thing is, he wasn’t even anywhere near Tucker’s house,” said Sheriff Dex Gladden. “Handicapped people really shouldn’t try to murder people.”

At publishing time, witnesses claimed to see a shark off the coast wearing an eye patch.

[leo23]

Government employees are fighting back against DOGE!

Federal employee unions are suing the Trump Administration over Elon’s email to employees asking what they accomplished last week.

Now, to add to the lawsuit, they have made a list of demands. The Babylon Bee has acquired the complete list.

Here are the demands:

1. Employees will no longer be required to show up on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, or weekends: Showing up is an unreasonable expectation for a government employee.
2. Paid leave for the emotional trauma of being asked to work: The trauma is very real.
3. Paid travel expenses for trips from living room to home office: Sometimes you need a snack on the way. Who’s going to pay for that?
4. Thinking about work counts: Obviously.
5. No one can lose their job for any reason, even if they die: This is just basic human decency.
6. Documentary cameras follow everyone around so employees can make that face at the camera like Jim from the Office: We’ve always wanted to do that.
7. Personal locksmith to follow each employee around: You know, just in case.
8. Break room must contain a Mr. Coffee AND a Mrs. Coffee: Gender equality is a non-negotiable.
9. Tell us we are pretty: Please, just once.
10. Trump must be tarred and feathered, then resign: It’s a simple ask.

What do you think of these demands?

[Zavier_D]

You Philistine! You forgot the real bacon bits… And Cheese! Make Baked Potatoes Great Again!

[Don102]

‘MBPGA!’ I stand correct Bruh! …I ain’t no Phyllis!

[leo23]

After flying to D.C. to purportedly sign a mineral rights deal, Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky wound up being kicked out of the White House until further notice. Not good!

President Trump has issued a list of eight demands that Zelensky must meet in order to be allowed back on White House grounds:

1. Purchase a tuxedo t-shirt for formal events: It’s a step in the right direction.
2. Spell out “I’m sorry” on the White House lawn with rare earth minerals: Ideally while Zelensky stands crying with a boombox over his head.
3. Arrange a special screening with all the other actors in Paddington: Trump loves that little bear.
4. Say one nice thing about Vladimir Putin: Just suck it up and say Putin looks good shirtless on a horse.
5. Learn how to cuss in English: We strongly prefer to be cursed at in our national language.
6. Bring two Big-Macs with Extra Large fries: Not for a particular reason, Trump was just hungry when he made this list.
7. Call your buddy Ben Stiller and tell him to please dye the gray out of his hair: It looks terrible.
8. Bring back ten of the dollars from the $100 billion in aid that he “doesn’t know the location of”: Shouldn’t be that hard.

Just eight simple tasks and we can put this whole affair behind us. Your move, Zelensky.

[Don102]

Trump Institutes Military Draft For Everyone With Ukraine Flag In Their...

WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week he will be instituting a mandatory military draft for any American who puts a little yellow and blue Ukrainian flag in their Facebook bio.

“These people, they want to fight,” Trump told members of the press Monday. “They put that little flag in their profiles and I know they really want to get out there, die for Ukraine. Really brave and tremendous people. Not me though, I’m not a flag person. No flags in my bio.”

Trump made the announcement after a massive influx of white liberal women changed their Facebook profile pics from photos of them at the beach with a few of their besties to an image of the Ukrainian flag.

“These upper-middle class pilates ladies are perfect for the front lines,” Trump said. “They want to fight. Look at how eager they are. They want to go to Ukraine. Such nasty women. Putin won’t know what hit him.”

To avoid being drafted, those who posted flags in their bio said they were unaware there was a war going on in Ukraine and they thought the little yellow and blue squares were some sort of Black Lives Matter or trans thing.

“Wait, what’s a Ukraine?” asked Facebook bio-updated Ashley Mull. “I thought this was for Palestine. Stop the Genocide!”

At publishing time, Zelenskyy had told Trump he really didn’t need these sorts of troops and said he’d much rather have those big beefy guys from the new Army commercials.

DEAR GOD! PLEASE TAKE THEM ALL! Ukraine in da Spring! Lovely!

[Don102]

Europe Pledges To Send Ukraine Their Entire Military Might Of 3 Panzer Tanks...

Europe Pledges To Send Ukraine Their Entire Military Might Of 3 Panzer Tanks And A Nazi Motorcycle With A Sidecar

World·Mar 3, 2025 · BabylonBee.com

LONDON — The European members of NATO have rushed to the defense of Ukraine following criticism by the Trump administration, promising to support its ongoing war with Russia. As a show of support, Europe has pledged its collective military might of three panzer tanks and one of those Nazi motorcycles with a sidecar.

“Unlike Trump, we will give you our entire military supply!” German Chancellor Olaf Scholz said as he presented Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy with three German Panzer IV tanks and a BMW R75 motorcycle complete with neat functioning sidecar. “Sorry, this is all we have.”

The Panzer IV was the most produced German tank during World War II and is widely regarded by enthusiasts and hobbyists to be “pretty awesome, and a cool-looking model to have on, like, a desk or bookshelf or something.” The BMW R75 was a heavy motorcycle built for rugged terrain that featured a sidecar German soldiers could shoot from, making it a fast-moving terror on wheels. Unlike the tank, however, it did not achieve worldwide notoriety until it was featured in Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

“What does Russia have? Bears?” French President Emmanuel Macron chimed in. “You’ll be fine. Now pose for a picture with us, Lil’ Z.”

The momentous occasion marks the first time Europe has done anything on behalf of NATO, though they stopped short of letting Ukraine into the treaty organization. “You take out the entire Russian army with that BMW R75 and we’ll talk,” Chancellor Scholz said as he ruffled Zelenskyy’s hair. “Now get out of here, you little rascal!”

At publishing time, President Zelenskyy was called ungrateful after he said the three panzer tanks and Nazi motorcycle were not enough to keep Russia at bay.

ME: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE ARE WORTH? SHEEEEESH! Ukraine is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lucky! 'three German Panzer IV tanks and a BMW R75 motorcycle complete with neat functioning sidecar. “Sorry, this is all we have.”

[leo23]

While everyone can agree that guns are awesome (and if you don’t think so, you’re probably gay), it can be difficult to determine which gun is right for any given scenario.

The manly gun experts at the Babylon Bee are here to help you know exactly which gun you need for each job:

---

1. General home defense: M1 Garand. Enjoy the sweet sounds of storming Omaha Beach right in your living room.
2. Deer hunting: Bazooka.
3. Attracting the ladies: Guns don’t work here; you’ll need an oversized anime sword.
4. Political debates: A Marin le Bourgeoys flintlock pistol. Should be accurate up to 10 paces.
5. Scaring away daughter’s suitors: Trusty Remington 870 12-gauge. Simply rack the pump-action and watch those pencil-neck dweebs scurry away.
6. Dealing with bounty hunters sent by Jabba the Hutt to collect a price on your head: BlasTech DL-44. It works best if you’re the one who shoots first.
7. Seeing your bros from across the room: Finger guns.
8. Fighting off fanatical alien zealots who are trying to trigger a superweapon that will destroy all sentient life in the galaxy: Trusty MA5B assault rifle and a coupla sticky grenades.
9. Driving cattle through yonder pass before the Comanches arrive: A classic lever-action rifle.
10. Looking like a tool at the range: A tactical lever-action rifle.
11. 5th-grade sleepover: Nerf Elite Titan CS-50. Revel in the mournful cries of your enemies as they fall in a hail of foam bullets.
12. Road rage: Glock 19. Must be held sideways.
13. Fending off a mob of commie ANTIFA soy boys: No gun needed, just misgender them.

---

Simply follow the guidelines listed above to find the ideal weapon for each task.

[Will_B]

@leo23

1. Fending off a mob of commie ANTIFA soy boys: No gun needed, just misgender them.

[leo23]

BERLIN — In a shocking turn of events, Hitler was defeated and the Nazi regime overthrown after the opposition party in Germany held up little paddles with tiny signs on them.

The Führer was giving a speech in the Reichstag when suddenly, opposing politicians began holding up miniature signs attached to what appeared to be tiny ping-pong paddles. Within minutes, Hitler had been deposed and the Nazi regime collapsed.

“We did it! I knew the little signs would work,” said opposition leader Hagan Schulz. “No one can withstand little paddles that say ‘False’ on them. The world is saved!”

According to sources, Hitler’s iron grip on power began to immediately weaken when the signs saying “False” were raised. Still, it seemed like the Nazis would be able to hang on to power, but the opposition was not done. They quickly turned their paddles around, revealing another sign that said, “Hitler steals”, defeating the Nazis once and for all.

[Don102]

‘That’s some phunnie ! right there!’

[leo23]

The world is abuzz following President Donald Trump’s speech before a joint session of Congress, with many people talking about how bravely the Democrats pushed back against Trump’s message of peace, hope, and prosperity.

The Babylon Bee compiled the following list of incredibly powerful ways Democrats protested Trump’s speech:

---

1. Covered their ears while saying “la la la la la”: This is how we fight back.
2. Stared blankly with ugly, unpleasant expressions: We’re now being told that’s just how they look.
3. Supported women by borrowing every pink pantsuit in Tim Waltz’s closet: Never has the Minnesota governor’s fabulous wardrobe come in more handy.
4. Ripped up copies of the Constitution at the end of the speech: Fascism defeated.
5. Silently drew up legislation that would continue funding the war in Ukraine using other people’s money: That’ll prove how committed they are.
6. Gave a rebuttal message that said “We’re rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off us and sticks to you”: There’s no comeback for that.
7. Did some insider trading on their phones: This technically wasn’t to protest Trump, but whatever.
8. Rooted for cancer: Trump supporters deserve what’s coming to them.

---

Boy, they sure showed Trump. He’ll think twice before crossing them ever again. What other subtle Democrat protests did you notice?

[leo23]

With the U.S. suspending all military aid amid contentious negotiations for peace, the historically courageous nation of France announced that it would step up and fill the void by unleashing the full might of the fearsome French military to help defend Ukraine from Russia.

The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of things France has pledged to provide to defend Ukraine:

---

1. Strategic baguette drops: They can be used as sustenance or blunt weapons, depending on how stale they are.
2. Weekly shipments of stinky cheese to the front lines: Watch those Russkies flee in search of fresh air.
3. Squads of Muslim migrants who will stab any white people they see: France is reportedly willing to pledge 3,000,000 military-age Islamic males.
4. Accordion players to aid in the interrogation of Russian captives: This may violate the Geneva Conventions, however.
5. Unwashed Frenchmen to create a perimeter with an impenetrable wall of body odor: No one can make it through such a stench.
6. Provisions for all soldiers consisting of croissants and tiny cups of coffee: Even war doesn’t have to be entirely uncivilized.
7. Cutting edge guillotine technology: They will just have to convince the Russian soldiers to cooperate and climb the scaffold.
8. Mimes: The French equivalent of the most elite special forces.
9. Endless supply of white flags: The most important tool of every French military campaign.

---

Russia won’t stand a chance when faced with a Ukrainian military backed by France. What else can the French send to defend Ukraine?

[Dave17]

@leo23

What else can the French send to defend Ukraine?

Send me as many cases of Chataeuneuf-du-Pape as are available. I will then send the empties to Ukraine and they can use them for Molotov cocktails.

[leo23]

U.S. — Collective bargaining agreements for the WNBA took an unexpected turn as players demanded to be paid what they are actually worth and now owe the NBA $400 million.

Owners were shocked and delighted by the players’ demand, immediately accepting and handing over a sheet showing the players’ actual worth to be negative four hundred million dollars.

“We may have made a mistake here,” said WNBA player Angel Reese. “Can we go back to having a bunch of the guys’ money? It turns out I really like not getting paid what I’m worth and taking free money from a man. Please?”

According to sources, the owners responded that, as always, there are no take-backs. “I am so, so happy to finally be able to pay these players what they are really worth,” said team owner John Pavlovitz. “Now, every month I can just hand over their checks to one of the NBA players who spent the last twenty years paying their salaries. After all the whining I’ve put up with about having to fly coach and sleep in a Holiday Inn, I am thrilled for my players to get to make what they have actually earned. Better gas up those Subarus, ladies!”

At publishing time, the owners had graciously offered an alternative option where player salaries could all go to the one person who gets people to watch the WNBA, Caitlin Clark.

[Zavier_D]

@leo23

Collective bargaining agreements for the WNBA took an unexpected turn as players demanded to be paid what they are actually worth and now owe the NBA $400 million.

I read about that. I’m wondering if any of those genius level intellects in the WNBA understand the economic realities of the WNBA. The WNBA is wholly subsidized by the NBA and as a result the WNBA has made $0 in profit. From a financial performance perspective the, best the WNBA has done financially? They still lost $40 million.

[leo23]

U.K. — In a horrific disaster sending tidal waves across the Atlantic, Ireland has apparently capsized after the arrival of Rosie O’Donnell.

According to British monitors, the eastern half of Ireland began sinking the moment Ms. O’Donnell waddled forth from her plane. The island nation rapidly reached a literal tipping point, flipping upside down and leaving the population desperately holding its breath until scientists can figure out how to flip the island back right side up.

“Imagine a large person getting on a white-water-raft, causing it to tip over and everyone aboard is now stuck under the raft,” explained Gary Martin, an Irish geologist currently living in England. “Only, instead of a merely large woman, you have Rosie O’Donnell, and instead of a raft, it’s a 32,000 square-mile island. Oi! This is bad.”

The overturned island nation has left scientists stumped as they raced against the clock to flip it back over. “We presume Ms. O’Donnell is no longer exerting force upon the island, so we should be able to flip it over, if we can only find someone else like Ms. O’Donnell to send in,” said local scientist Dr. Bert Stranden. “If it weren’t for Ozempic, we’d be in business. All the luck!”

At publishing time, President Trump had dispatched several cargo planes carrying a certain “Lizzo”.