babylon bee is more truth than fiction

Former President Biden signs with Hollywood talent agency CAA

“President Biden is one of America’s most respected and influential voices in national and global affairs,” said Richard Lovett, CAA’s co-chairman, in a statement. “His lifelong commitment to public service is one of unity, optimism, dignity, and possibility. We are profoundly honored to partner with him again.”

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CAA will be representing him in all areas, including publishing and speaking engagements.

Honestly, I checked to see if this was a Babylon Bee Spoof and was Gobsmacked it was the LA TIMES! Is it in their Water? Too much Sunshine? When the Sun ISN’T blotted out by Wildfire smoke, entire Neighborhoods burning, 'Lectric Battery Plants Exploding, Mudslides, Fault Lines Spreading, RIOTS, Protests…WPHEW!..I need a Diet Coke!

It’s True what Mark Twain once said ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE THI SH!T UP!’

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U.S. — In an unprecedented, history-making moment, a man has won an argument with a woman. The man, who is also the President of the United States, is reportedly celebrating his victory after miraculously winning an argument over trade with Prime Minister Trudeau, the second female Prime Minister of Canada.

“We’ve never seen anything like this in recorded history,” said Dr. Ben Shmellings, a historian. “This kind of thing just doesn’t happen. A man getting in an argument with a female and prevailing? We’re as shocked as you are.”

The Babylon Bee will keep you updated on the argument, as the woman is likely planning a cold, passive-aggressive response.

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PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Beloved groundhog Punxsatawny Phil has been deported back to Canada after the rodent failed to produce the needed paperwork at this year’s Groundhog Day celebration.

“It was awkward, for sure,” ICE Agent David Scranton said. “We had to apprehend him right before they were able to determine anything about the shadow thing so no one knows if there’s going to be six more weeks of winter. Sorry America, but we’ve got to get this furry felon back to Canada.”

Phil has resided in the U.S. for the past decade after apparently coming into the country on a now-expired work visa. He told the press he believed he had filled out the right paperwork and was shocked to learn he was being deported right in the middle of his biggest work day of the year.

“EEEEEEE. EEE. EEEEEE!!” Phil said. “EEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEE. EEEEEEEEE. EEEEEE?”

At publishing time, Phil was appealing the arrest but was seeking new counsel after his previous lawyer had been admitted to the hospital with rabies.

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Priceless! I’ve been up all night (Headaches) and Those made me laugh out loud!
(You beat me to posting them–excellent job) Leo

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Why can’t I get a book deal? My intellect is on a par with Biden’s. I sent in my DNA to 23&me and it came back showing that I’m 96% Neanthertal

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How does a rancid dish of Pudding get a book deal?
(you have to be a former pResident)

I’d buy YOUR book, but NOT his.

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Plans are already being drawn up for the Biden presidential library

Construction has stalled on Obama’s presidential library due to DEI incompetence

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When you posted it, it was disinformation, when Leo posted it, it was verified as true. :rofl:

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Yeah, Phunny how dat woiks! Hardy Har Har!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alarm bells are sounding across the United States government, where Democrats are warning that President Trump’s unelected shadow government is totally dismantling the unelected shadow government Democrats worked so hard to build.

After decades spent entrenching a bureaucracy dedicated to doing their bidding, Democrats have taken to the streets in protest of Trump hiring unelected officials to fire their unelected officials.

“We are literally watching Democracy crumble before our very eyes,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, shouting outside shuttered USAID offices. “Elon Musk, who may I remind you is unelected, is coming in and demolishing these institutions of people that are unelected. It is just so not fair. Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Many are calling Elon Musk’s employment in the government a Constitutional crisis, stating that other than the three million people already working for the government, the President hiring someone to do a job is simply unheard of. “Allowing an unelected official to work in the government is basically fascism,” explained Treasury Department employee Arlene Magill. “We cannot allow a citizen like Musk to see what taxpayer money is spent on. Only the thousands of unelected employees who work at Treasury are allowed to do that.”

At publishing time, Democrats had reminded everyone that the deep state they are fighting to save is not real.

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Biden Signs With Talent Agency, Lands Role As Corpse On ‘CSI’
Is this 'Type Casting?, He’s played a dead guy for @ ;east (4) years!

He could get stuck in this role for the rest of his life! :joy:
**Dead guy in a Beach chair
**Dead guy in da Oval Office
** Dead guy…oh nevamind! :rofl:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Liberals expressed outrage today after President Trump signed an executive order this afternoon that men cannot punch women in the face for sport.

The order further states that mediocre male athletes have to hit the gym and try harder if they want to win.

“It is a sad day in America when men cannot punch women in the face,” said ESPN executive James Pitaro. “We at ESPN are appalled that we cannot televise men kicking the crap out of women while we cheer. President Trump has gone too far.”

Trump announced the executive order to a room full of female athletes who were excited about the prospect of not being punched by men. “I know it’s a very controversial thing, but I am very proud to sign the ‘No Men Punching Women In The Face’ order today,” announced Trump. “There’s a lot of people who want to see women punched in the face for some reason, which is very sad, because women are so beautiful. We’re going to put a stop to it.”

At publishing time, liberals had again begun screaming in fury after Trump signed another executive order stating that men cannot go in women’s locker rooms for fun.

You know? I marvel that this SATIRE IS REALLY FRIGGIN’ CLOSE TO THE TRUTH!

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This one is actually not all that funny for reasons we all understand. But it’s amazing satire and incredible irony. Sad but true.

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The Trump administration’s Department of Government Efficiency has been on the warpath against federal waste and turning over every seedy rock to shed light on inefficiencies in our nation’s agencies and institutions. Government computer systems are no exception.

The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of glaring inefficiencies found in government computer systems:


  1. All machines were still running Windows 3.1: C’mon, government… at least upgrade to Windows 95.
  2. The internal IRS chat platform was two cans tied together with a string: The Biden administration had already requisitioned 174,000 more cans for its 87,000 new agents at a cost of $20 billion.
  3. The FBI couldn’t make phone calls while the CIA was using the dial-up line: You wouldn’t believe how many times a CIA agent got kicked off the internet because some dumb FBI agent picked up the phone.
  4. The Social Security numbers for every American were being stored in one big MS Word doc: To keep it secure, they disguised them by using the Wingdings font.
  5. Government internet access was provided by AOL: Welcome!
  6. The nuclear launch codes were stored in a Texas Instruments graphing calculator: Thankfully, nobody ever knows how to work those things.
  7. The FBI Most Wanted database was just pictures of Catholic moms and a Magic 8 Ball: The bureau was only targeting the worst of the worst.
  8. Woke government programmers kept trying to make the computer language non-binary: This caused the entire government computer mainframe to identify as inoperable.
  9. Every single computer in the entire government was plugged into one giant power strip: This accounts for the constant strain on the U.S. power grid.
  10. All agency computer passwords were “password”: Fortunately, DOGE changed all passwords to “password1” to preserve national security.

Fixing the inefficiencies listed above should make the federal government run like a well-oiled machine in no time.

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the security guard had a lot better control than me or anyone I know. if you watch the video maxin got all up in his sht, and he just stood there.*
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Politicians who represent the country with record illiteracy expressed worry about what might happen if the education system responsible for making everyone illiterate were reformed.

“We cannot stand idly by while King Elon Musk guts the Department of Education and replaces it with a better education system that will enrich the lives of all Americans,” said Congressman Bill Foster. “I cannot have my constituents learning how to read. What if that leads to them thinking for themselves? Everything we’ve worked so hard to build would be destroyed.”

Concern over the Department of Education’s fate reached a boiling point early Friday when politicians marched on the Lyndon Baines Johnson Department of Education Building to express concern over possible reforms but were stopped by security. This led to outrage as many legislators were too illiterate to understand the order the security guard had issued.

“You can’t stand here!” screamed Maxine Waters, representative of California’s 43rd district. “I don’t know what the words on the door say but I’m certain they don’t say ‘closed!’”

As others verbally assaulted the security guard standing in front of the entrance to the building, others carefully read the words on the door to prove that they were not as illiterate as others.

“This says ‘All Access Entrance,’” said a proud Representative Lateefah Aaliyah Simon of California. “I can read.”

At publishing time, some members of Congress began to regret the record illiteracy in the United States, wondering if perhaps their shouting ‘We are members of Congress, look at our ID badges’ might have worked if people could read.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising move, President Donald Trump announced today that the newly created White House Faith Office would be led by Satan.

“Satan’s got a lot of experience,” Trump said as he introduced the Father of Lies at Thursday’s National Prayer Breakfast. “You know he spent 40 days with Jesus in the desert 2,000 years ago? It’s really something. I hear he’s even read the entire Bible.”

The Adversary said he was thankful for the opportunity and would not let the president down. In a ten-minute speech, the Father of Lies expanded on his perceived duties and qualifications for the work ahead, saying, “I have every right and authority to declare the White House holy ground because I was standing there and where I stand is holy. I’m kind of a big deal.”

Attendees appeared horrified as Satan took to the podium in a puff of sulphuric smoke but later came away energized after the Dark Lord told them, “By your words, you form your own destiny. What you say within yourself determines the end promise of your life. Follow your heart!”

Following the news conference, reporters asked Satan what his plans were for ending anti-Christian bias, but Satan only stared at them.

At publishing time, it was revealed Satan got the job by telling Trump he was perfect and didn’t need to change his life in any way whatsoever to be pleasing to God, which the president thought sounded pretty good.

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Democrats Assure Americans The Millions In USAID They Gave Hamas Was Just For Gay Stuff
OK, you’ve been telling me for YEARS this is only SATIRE…HUH? ARE YOU SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuRe? :rofl:

HUH? :joy_cat:

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U.S. — Americans are begging the now-famous security guard who stood up to screeching Democrats to please always follow Congress around to keep them from going anywhere or doing anything ever.

After witnessing the unnamed bald man with glasses and a neon Band-Aid single-handedly stopping Congress in its tracks, America has pinned its hopes on the anonymous hero shutting down Congress for good.

“If that guy could always stand in front of doorways so Congress can’t go anywhere or do anything, that would be incredible,” said local man Mark Sanders. “The country would be so much better off. Plus, it is just so entertaining. I could listen to Congress people shriek ‘I’m not a thief!’ all day. Way better than Netflix.”

According to sources, several Americans have already taken it upon themselves to fashion likenesses of the security guard to station at strategic points. “It’s not much, but making a little scarecrow replica of that security guy to put outside the Capitol – it’s the least I can do,” said local woman Sarah Branch. “I tried to make his face look appropriately unimpressed and annoyed. I even added a little Band-Aid on his neck for good measure. Hopefully it at least scares Congress away for a few days.”

At publishing time, the security guy had reportedly declined, stating that the five minutes he already spent with Congress was more than enough for one lifetime.

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Is your woman cold? Though it may be difficult to tell one way or another, there are certain tell-tale signs. Knowing whether or not she is cold can be helpful in determining your next steps.

The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of clear signs that your wife is cold:



  1. She’s a woman: Perhaps the clearest sign.
  2. She’s breathing: An alive woman is sure to be cold.
  3. You recently caught her Googling “Is it safe to bathe in a tub of boiling water?”: It’s common knowledge that women prefer severe burns over being cold.
  4. You hugged her and she shattered into a million shards of ice: Oh no!
  5. She just added another blanket to her existing stack of 23 blankets: You may have even lost sight of her beneath the layers.
  6. It’s sometime between September and June: Those 10 months are peak “cold wife” season.
  7. She sliced open a tauntaun and crawled inside to warm herself: And you thought they smelled bad on the outside.
  8. She’s hanging out in the fiery furnace with Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and a fourth man who looks like a son of the gods: And she’s still wearing your sweatshirt.
  9. You suspect she’s only slaving over a hot stove for the warmth: That explains everything.
  10. You heard her mutter “Lucky” while watching a YouTube video of a protester lighting himself on fire: You may want to hide the gas can.
  11. She crafted a pair of house slippers out of Hot Pockets: On the bright side, the entire house smells like pepperoni.
  12. She casually mentioned that going to Hell doesn’t sound that bad: Apparently, not everyone is afraid of a lake of fire.
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