Watching your retirement account tumble as $10 trillion in market value evaporates can be a stressful experience. Here are seven facts to make you feel at ease as you watch the stock market plunge:
You now have less money to worry about losing: Less money, less problems.
Jim Cramer just said it can’t get any worse: Phew!
You are learning to be content in all circumstances, just like the Apostle Paul: Good for you.
The baseball cards your wife tried to throw out are now your most valuable investment: Boy, does she feel silly.
There are lots of politicians angrily screaming about it on TV: History has taught us this is usually a good sign.
If you hold the chart upside-down, the numbers don’t look so bad: It’s all about perspective.
If the tariffs work, soon Chinese finger traps will be American finger traps: It’s a small price to pay.
BEIJING — As part of an escalating global trade war, the Chinese government announced plans to retaliate against President Donald Trump’s tariffs by putting worse fortunes into their cookies.
Highly placed sources within the Chinese Communist Party confirmed that production had been ramped up on newer, more disturbing fortunes to place inside cookies to be shipped to thousands of restaurants across the United States.
“Less than happy outcomes are in your future,” said one slip of paper seen by a fortune cookie insider. Other fortunes reportedly created to combat Trump’s tariffs include “Your baseball team is unlikely to make the playoffs,” “A Mexican mariachi band will soon move in next door,” and “Full control of Star Wars will soon be given to Rian Johnson,” which were sure to take the trade conflict between China and the U.S. up a notch.
“We are prepared to make these fortunes much worse,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said via state-controlled media. “If the United States insists on implementing these foolish tariffs, they can look forward to far more devastating and terrifying fortune cookies with every purchase of Chinese takeout.”
A Trump administration insider said the president remained committed to the tariffs no matter how belligerent the fortune cookie messages may become.
At publishing time, a West Covina, California man had reportedly contacted the federal government to notify them of the “American dogs will soon bow down to the great Chinese dragon” fortune he found along with his order of General Tso’s chicken.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett adopted an MS-13 gang member as a show of support for the much maligned community of violent illegal aliens in threat of swift deportation under President Trump.
Justice Barrett is now welcoming convicted rapist and murderer Jose Ricardo Dominguez into her home. Adoption of the notorious MS-13 member was finalized this week at a private court proceeding attended by her husband and seven other children.
“Sometimes I feel spread a little thin,” Barrett admitted, acknowledging the difficulties of adding a new member to an already large family. “But Jose is a free spirit and I couldn’t bear to see him sent to an El Salvador prison just because he was caught dismembering the corpse of a drug mule who threatened to talk.”
“We all make mistakes,” she added.
The 28-year-old Honduras native said he is grateful for the trust and compassion the Barrett family has placed in him. “The only reason I turned to violence — allegedly — was because of a lack of strong authoritative figures in my life,” the newly re-named Jose Barrett said. “I have finally found where I belong — in the home of an upper class white family.”
At publishing time, the Barrett family was reported missing.
Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching golf, they do exist.
The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of things you can do this weekend that are somehow more exciting than golf:
Monitoring your fingernail growth: All the silence and anticipation of golf, but with the miracle of biology.
Attending an insurance seminar: It’ll only take nine hours of your time, plus you’ll get a free dinner.
Catching up on Michelle Obama’s podcast: Dozens of fans can’t be wrong.
Enjoying your Windows “3D Pipes” screensaver: The pinnacle of digital entertainment.
Binging six hours of those gross pimple-popping videos on Instagram: You’ll kill some time and lose some weight due to all the vomiting you’re sure to do.
Observing people at your local Walmart: This is particularly popular among horror fans.
Checking out YouTube videos of 40-year-old men unboxing Star Wars action figures: It’s fascinating to have a peek into the lives of the most disturbed members of society.
Viewing the director’s cut of Cory Booker’s 25-hour filibuster: Now with 12 minutes of previously unseen footage.
Watching someone else watch golf: It’s like the Inception form of watching golf.
If you’re unable to catch any of the Masters, any of the activities listed above are guaranteed to instantly turn any weekend into a barrel of fun. What else is more exciting than watching golf?
President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health – but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump’s exam:
Blood type came back USA-positive: The world has never seen anything like it.
Became only person in history to correctly identify all the ink blots in the Rorschach test: Incredible.
Trump’s skin actually has an odd orange hue: No one has noticed this before, but the doctors are looking into it.
His regenerated ear has developed super-hearing, like Daredevil: We feel a Netflix series incoming.
Unnecessary appendix has already been removed by DOGE: Those guys are good.
Even his small intestine is YUGE: The jury is still out whether that’s good or bad.
He is severely allergic to losing: The only prescription: more winning.
It’s that time of year again when everyone lets the government steal from them in the form of “taxes.” But what if there were some easy tricks to avoid paying taxes altogether?
The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of clever loopholes to get out of giving Uncle Sam any of your hard-earned money:
Get yourself deported to an El Salvadorian prison: This one’s easier now than it’s ever been. Just find your nearest Homeland Security office and tell them your name is Manuel and you’re here illegally.
Claim all 15 million illegal aliens as your dependents: This is technically true.
Go fishing and hope Jesus repeats that whole coins-in-the-fish’s-mouth thing for you: He did it once, and He can do it again.
Declare yourself a sovereign state and just stop paying: This works out well for everyone who does it.
Write off all the times you rounded up your Taco Bell order to the nearest dollar to help children in need: You knew all that generosity would pay off eventually.
Draw a little Cybertruck on your tax return form and write “I Heart Elon”: Automatic exemption.
Count your time working as a church greeter as part of your tithe: By reporting it as being at $1,000/hour, all those awkward hellos and handshakes will finally be worth it.
Do not, under any circumstances, make any money, ever: You can’t pay taxes on income you don’t have.
Die: Just kidding, your family will still end up paying the taxes you owed. Nice try, though.
It may seem far-fetched, but eliminating your tax bill really is just that easy. Try it today.
Though men were the first to reach for the stars, science has proven definitively that women are far better suited to the task. Consider the evidence.
Here are ten reasons women make better astronauts than men:
They look so cute in their little space outfits: Science has proven that girl astronauts look way cuter in little space outfits. Men could never pull this off.
Space is a vacuum and women love vacuums: For cleaning.
If you time the mission right, they’re all in good moods and super cooperative: But if your timing is off… God help you.
They need much less oxygen because of their smaller brains: Very efficient.
They have plenty of experience with high Gs from spin class at the gym: We’re pretty sure this is how it works.
In space, no one can hear you passive-aggressively say “It’s fine.”: Just the sweet sound of the silent void.
If the onboard AI goes rogue, they can manipulate and guilt-trip it into submission: Finally, they can use their powers for good.
Shuttle capsule will smell like lavender and stuff: Space travel has never been so relaxing.
If the hull of the ship springs a leak, they can plug the hole with a stiletto from one of their high heels: There are so many uses for those.
Women are never wrong, so the mission is a guaranteed success: Why didn’t someone think of this before?
There you have it! We hope this educational article will help you not underestimate female astronauts in the future.
Following the success of the Blue Origin space mission that sent Katy Perry into space, many have wondered: why we didn’t shoot her out there before? Who else we could send into space?
Here are the top ten people we at the Bee would love to launch into space:
“Flo” from Progressive: She had a good run. Sorry, Flo.
People who say “all the feels”: Shooting those people into orbit would give us…well, never mind.
Sigourney Weaver: We don’t have anything against her, she just might come in handy in the event the craft is invaded by aliens.
Flat Earthers: Watch out for the ceiling!
The composer of “Baby Shark”: Make it stop.
A crying baby: Just to ruin the trip for everyone else.
Anyone who uses the term “fur baby”: Also, the fur babies.
The inventor of mariachi music: Go where there are no sound waves, friend.
The girl who said she wanted to go to homecoming with you when you were a sophomore in high school, which seemed so surreal because she was a junior and pretty cute, and then when it was time to leave the football game for the dance you overheard her saying to her friend she couldn’t wait to hang out with Lance and it turns out she’d wanted to go with him the whole time and you were just her ride there: She’s had this coming for a long time.
Steve: Obviously.
That’s just for starters. Who else are we launching?
JERUSALEM - Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he’d been entrusted with guarding the tomb of “some Jewish carpenter guy,” as he’d be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.
Plinius pumped his fist and gave a little “Yeeeah boy” under his breath after his commanding officer told him he would be guarding the tomb of “this Jewish dude” who had apparently been causing some trouble.
“I’m glad they didn’t put me where the action is - I really needed some downtime,” Plinius said to his fellow soldier, Martinus, who was absentmindedly throwing rocks at a stump some thirty feet away. “I know we joined up for the action, but once you get into the military, you start to appreciate the more chill assignments.”
“I mean, guarding a tomb - how hard can it be?” he added. “Dead guys don’t typically get up and walk away, you know what I mean? HA!”
“Hey, I bet you I can hit that boulder over there before you can, Marty.” The two spent a few hours trying to hit things with rocks before lining up some pottery and taking turns trying to nail them with their spears. “Boy, I tell ya. This is the life. And to think some suckers got assigned to patrol on the other side of the city today! The Jews are all riled up about something or another. I’m glad I’m out here with you, bud.”
At publishing time, Plinius had woken up to a brilliant bright light. “Morning already?”
