He’s the reason you can’t talk about your hobbies at family gatherings. Last Thanksgiving, when he found out that you hunted the turkey yourself instead of buying a Butterball, he spat it out. He has no idea what the Second Amendment says, but he wants it repealed. This year, why not honor him on Father’s Day with some gifts that reflect his dedication to disarmament? Here are our top five!
1. Clip-On Man Bun
Now that nobody’s wearing COVID masks anymore, anti-gun males no longer have a way to signal their virtue to the world at large. At least, not without having to grow some hair out! Trouble is, that vegan diet doesn’t just make Anti-Gun Dad crabby and weak; it also means he can’t grow hair anywhere men are supposed to have it. Fix that for him with a clip-on man bun that’s sure to get him lots of high-fives from his fellow anti-gunners … if they’ve got the energy to lift their hands, that is.
2. Yard Decor
Each Christmas, he has a little too much eggnog and accuses you of being a murderer for owning guns. Each Christmas, you ask him why he doesn’t have a sign in his yard saying there are no guns in his home. He’s never really answered you, so it must be because he can’t afford a nice one. Sad! How will criminals know that they’re not supposed to bring guns to rob him? This year, delight him with the chance to put his money where his mouth is … somewhere around any given burglar’s front pockets.
You know how to whistle, don’t you? Just pucker your lips and … blow.
3. Rape Whistle
Anti-Gun Dad is pretty sure that you can’t deter a rapist with a gun; he read somewhere that the rapist will just take the gun away from you and use it against you. His advice to his daughters (or any woman who wants protection against male predators) has always been “get a rape whistle.” But such is his dedication to keeping everyone else “safe” from the Second Amendment that he hasn’t taken the time to protect himself! This Father’s Day, show him that his life is worth just as much by getting him a squeaky whistle of his own. Toot, toot!
It can’t win the argument if it can’t talk! Checkmate, gun nuts.
Anti-Gun Dad thinks pro-gunners are Nazis, but he keeps running into a small problem: actual pro-gun people. When he tells them to turn in their assault weapons, they ask him to define “assault weapon.” When he tells them that AR-15s are the leading tool used in murder, actual pro-gun people insist on showing him the FBI’s data. How frustrating for poor Anti-Gun Dad! This year, ensure that he’ll win all the arguments with a strawman of his very own. As an extra added bonus, it’ll look great in his front yard next to the “no guns allowed” sign.
5. DNA Testing Kit
“Someday you’ll have kids of your own,” says anti-gun Dad. “Someday you will, too,” they reply. That brings us to the best gift of all … what an anti-gun dad needs more than anything else … the names and addresses of his kids’ real fathers! Not because he’s going to try for child support; he’d just like to send his kids’ dads a Father’s Day gift of their own. (Tell him that I could use some new socks, and my favorite color is blue.) Light up the next family gathering with a lively game of Pin the Horns on the Cuckold, or just spend some time marveling at the fact that yes, he actually does have sheep DNA.
Got a great idea for an anti-gun gift? Be sure to add it in the comments!